Bright lights are shining in my eyes, I’m sprawled all over my bed, I’m sweating. These curtains fucking suck!! It’s 8am and all I want to do is sleep in my bed, but I have the world’s dustiest shades that block maybe 10% of all sunlight coming through and I have 4 windows in my room, so I wake up to a fucking tanning bed everyday. I’m still drunk, stumbly, and sleepy from Friday’s Summerfest. My body feels like shit. Last night was my third consecutive night going to Summerfest and my body is paying the price. Both Thursday morning and Friday morning I had to wake up for work at and I went to bed between and both nights. I walk over to my desk to find my wallet, take a look inside. Damn… no money…again. So far I’ve dropped $130 on Summerfest. Between bus tickets, and 6 beers a night, there goes your money. Oh well… it’s not about material things in life, it’s about the experiences you have, and I’ve had 3 great experiences… but only some I can remember. I walk into the main area of the basement to find the bazillionaire (aka Frump dogg aka Frumple-stilskin aka Mike),
, and Tarrence sprawled out on the couches. They all wake up when I’m out there and we are just talking about the drunk moments we had the night before. All of a sudden I hear.. “What’s up bros!!” I turn around, only to stare straight into the eyes of Trevor Matthew Marks. Jordan
“T-Marks? What’s up buddy? When did you get here?”
“I passed out on your couch upstairs.”
Tight. Tarrence was a little slow to wake up, but when he did, he starts yelling at Frump.
“Frump…where is da bong?”
“Oh. I took it back to my house.”
“Why da fuck would you do dat? Go get it.” Tarrence gets crabby when doesn’t have his morning bowlski.
T-marks needed a ride to the park-and-ride anyways so Frump, T-marks, and I hopped in my car and started driving. We are just chatting it up in the car and T-marks is looking at his text messages from last night.
“So apparently I texted everyone in my phone last night this: ‘921 N. Evergreen Circle…RAGER.’”
BTW…that’s my address. That would have been bad if 40 people showed up at . I would have been hella pissed. I drop off T-marks and we head to Frump’s house to pick up ‘pink princess’. We pick it up and I call up Frank and Vaughan because they were supposed to stay at my house but they never made it there last night.
had some how gotten on the wrong bus…ended up at Gerke’s corner, which is 20 min away, and was stranded there. Frank and Colton Sweitzer picked him up in the wee hours of the morning. This was Jesse’s story (From his perspective): Vaughan
So we find
at the park-and-ride and he’s got the drunk eyes going. I yell at him to get it the car and his response is, “FUCK YOU FRANK! Where the fuck were you!” I tell him to get the fuck in the car, and he says that his mom, Mare Bear is coming to pick him up. I called up Mary like 3 times to tell her that Vaughan was ok and we would take him back home. Vaughan
They ended up at Bauer’s house so… Frump and I went over to Bauer’s house. We pick up the knob-shines and Brady comes with. “Hey man…could you give me a ride to the park and ride?”…fuck it. Get in. We go back to the park-and-ride and drop off Brady. I’m texting Lindsay and she is saying that we should go over to Phoebe’s lake and have a lake day. Fuck ya. It’s like 90 degrees out, the sun is shining, great summer day to go out. Well…should we drink?? I mean… I’m trying to recover from probably 10-15 cummulative hours of sleep from the past three nights, and I’ve been drinking every night…ok…let’s get wasted today. We go to the nearby Sentry Foods and Frank picks up some booze. A handle of Tequila, Rum, and a 30 rack of Beasts. Looks like it’s gonna be a good day.
We head on back to my house, Close the curtains in the basement, get real stoned, and play some FIFA. Frank is antsy to get out and not act like shitheads, and I jump on board. Let’s do this shit! We toss on our swimsuits, get in the car and head on over to Phoebe’s lake.
We get down to the dock and the lake looks fucking majestic. Nobody’s on the water, its calm and clear, we have a lot of booze, a lot of time, and we got bros and hoes. We get out on the lake, and we brought out the tequila and a gallon of orange juice with us. Taking pulls left and right, as Lindsay and Kelsey are out on the wave runner. Frank and I are like…lets fucking get on that wave runner. I love a good adrenaline rush and a wave runner is the perfect weapon. We wait patiently as all the girls go out and have their fun. Our method of coping with the wait was taking pulls to the dome with
up in the bow of the boat. When we finally get our turn, we jump in the water, snatch a life vest and hop on. Lindsay wants to come as well, so we let her on. I’m driving, and I am one helluva driver. I have a wave runner up at my lake house that I constantly push to its limits. We are going crazy on it, I’m doing donuts, whipping it, diving the nose, getting us really wet, and throwing us off. We were having a lot of fun but Lindsay said it was too much for her to handle, and she wanted to go back to the boat. We drop her off and then Frank and I get real crazy. Fucking LOVE wave runners. We go back to the boat and hand off the wave runner so somebody else. We get back in the boat and continue to do what we do best. Drink. We are all ready to go tubing now. Vaughan
We head back to the dock, pick up John’s tubes (Sorry John for stealing your shit), tie them up and head out. Lauren and Jeff go out first, and then it was
and my turn. We are out there and I’m jumping the wake and doing barrel rolls and whatnot. My first fall, I tried to jump Vaughan , my tube clipped his, and I went kerplunk. Vaughan fell the second time, and we went out for one more run. Phoebe is whipping us real hard one turn, Vaughan is holding on for dear life. His arms are fully extended, half his body is in the water, so I raise my foot, and give one swift kick to his tube. Annndddd boom goes the dynamite…down goes Fraiser. His tube flips sporadically and he’s boom roasted. I was geeking out… I felt bad but it was too funny to pass up. Vaughan
Both Vaughan and I get back to the boat and we are exhausted. My forearms are rock solid and tense from holding on while doing jumps, barrel rolls, and being whipped.
Frank wants to go but there isn’t anyone that wants to go at the caliber level that we go at. Fuck it. I’ll go again. I hop back onto the tube trying to be a trooper so Frank can have a good time. Quickly after going, I realize that I cannot hold on. My arms hurt so bad that I cannot hold on. I was trying to stick it out as much as I could before having to straight up let go. After that workout out, my forearms and grip strength would be so great, I could squeeze cum from a rock. That strong. Abomb-1…
Schwarzenegger– 0. Get at me you old fat governor. Arnold
I take Frank and Phoebe on a tube ride, and then take Lindsay and Phoebe on one. We head on back to the dock. We are pulling into the dock and we see on the patio a shit ton of people. Sweet baby bird! We can’t fit all those people into the boat. We go up and greet Russell and his gf, Joey and Abby, Angela and her bf, and 4 of Abby’s friends. I find Russ just chillin real hard in a chair, no shirt, sunglasses on, with a bottle of champagne in his hand. Boss status right there. Extra dry Andre champagne. You sir know how to party. I bet you could put that on a resume. ‘I drink extra dry champagne from the bottle.’ Boom…
hired. No questions asked. Anddd no need for a drug test… if you’re that big of a boss, you definitely smoke weed. ur
Lindsay and I go out on the wave runner and take turns trying to whip each other off. We come back in and hand the wave runner off to Phoebe and Jskank and let them go out. I run up to my car to snag my Techno/Dance Party CD because…well… it’s the greatest CD on this side of the
“What happened Phoebe, are you alright?!”
Jesse- “That was me. I was going 50 or so and turned sharply. We both flew off and she whacked her head against the back of mine.”
Jesse turns to me… “I’m such an idiot. I literally thought I killed her. We went off and I landed on top of her and all I could think is…well…Phoebe is dead.”
Phoebe always ends up getting hurt, whether it’s getting hit by a water bottle in the mouth on her b-day and having to go to the hospital, or getting kicked in the face and chipping a tooth while tubing, to winding up with a golf ball on her forehead from wave runner adventures. She was such a trooper though, didn’t complain one bit, and went on with her night. Not too many girls could do that. That’s why Febes is the shit. Luckily it tonight was Phil Vassar, so she could wear a cowboy hat to cover up her lump.
Since we couldn’t go out on the boat, Mista Clarence and I decided to make our own fun. Tarrence grabs a Red Stripe and Modelo and we find a paddle board. But where is the paddle? Don’t know…looks like I’m going to have to get innovative. I find a water ski and an old 2x4 piece of wood. Tarrence tested out the ski, it was too heavy, so we decided to use the wood. We are both straddling the board and I’m trying to paddle with a 2x4. Where is John when you need him?? John is part Chippewa, or Sioux, or Navajo… one of those I think, I mean… he’s been to Pottawattamie Casino before, so that should count as something. He could have carved up a solid oak paddle from a tree with the use of only an arrowhead. That Indian. We are trying to paddle with a beer in our hands. The board was not meant for two people. We are trying any way possible to get this bitch movin. We keep falling and stepping all over these muscle infested rocks. My foot afterwards looked like it was ran through a fucking cheese grater. Tarrence gets off and I am just a lone ranger on the board…just me, my modelo, a board, and piece of wood…what else could a man ask for. I go out and just chill in the middle of the lake drinking by myself. After some while we decide to clean up and leave because Russell’s, Joey’s, and
’s siblings are having a combined high school grad party at Joey’s house…fucking free booze. You know we can’t pass that up. Tyler
We head on back home, Frank picks up his money and ID and we head to the liquor store because Frank wants to buy Phoebe a bottle of Captain Morgan’s for his retard actions earlier. We are on our way back and I’m getting off the exit ramp. I stop at the stop sign and then I take off. I’m in my dad’s Infinity, which is a beast, and I love driving it fast. I put the pedal to the floor up a hill. I’m going probably 80 when over the top of the hill a cop passes by…immedietly tosses his lights on, flips a bitch, and starts chasing me. As soon as I saw those cherries and berries, I floored it. Going super fast, I turn into a nearby neighbor hood, see that it’s a dead end, quickly pull into a driveway, but within 10 seconds there was the cop screeching his tires to a stop. I’m just like…fuck. First thing I hear is… “Get out of the car.” Ok well this shall be interesting. I have no shirt on, board shorts on, with 2 other bros in the car, we just came back from the liquor store, I was speeding well over ‘wreckless driving speeds’, tried to evade police, I was drinking earlier, and I’m trespassing in somebody else’s driveway. The cop was really nice though, I acted straight as an arrow, was very compliant and after 20 minutes of deliberation with another squad car, he let me go with an ‘imprudent speeding’ ticket. Not fucking bad. I wasn’t drunk by any means… I know when I’m drunk… not saying that it wasn’t a dumb fucking idea in the first place, but it’s good to have the liver of a 40 year-old German who drinks a case of Guinness a day. I sober up pretty quickly is what I’m trying to say here. Well, won’t be doing that again, that was too close. I remember when I was waiting in the car, I looked over at
We clean up back at my house, and head on over to Joey’s. We walk through the golf course and it’s a beautiful evening. We get to Joey’s, grab a beer, say hi to everyone, and grab some grub. I frumpin love BBQ pulled pork. Save me a piieecce of dat Corn! All the girls show up and we head on back to my house to get sufficiently drunk and whatnot. About 8 of us hop into Lindsay’s convertible and drive to my house. We drink, drink more, and… probably drink a little more. We pile into my mom’s van and head on to the busses. We stop a gas station to get 5-hour energies; because Summerfest day #4 in a row can do some work on ya, especially since I was Daging (that’s Day Raging for those of you who have never taken a hamster pull from a 1.75 of Kesslers)
We get on the bus, head on down to Sfest, sing songs on the bus ride down, and take pulls on pulls on pulls. The bus ride is the most under-appreciated part of Summerfest. When you get a good group to go down, you can have a lot of fun in 30 minutes. You can also get wickedly drunk as well. We always start singing songs to get the whole bus involved. It’s awesome…we’re awesome.
We get down to sfest and I’m not feeling up-to par on my drinking abilities. I believe that is due to the ratio of how much alcohol I’ve consumed to the amount of sleep I have gotten over the past 4 days. Probably 40+ drinks: 15 hours of sleep. Recipe for disaster. We lose everybody right away…typical, so Tommy, Kate, Lindsay, and I head to Phil Vassar. We couldn’t get great seats, and we were trying to get
VIP, but no luck. We run into B-rad , and he has hookups up the shitter. He says he can get us up on the Captain’s Deck where there is basically free beer. We say: sounds like a frumpin plan, and head over there. We get these wrist bands that had 3 ‘free beer or wine cooler’ tabs on it. We find a table with some playing cards on it, grab some beers, and just chill. B-rad says he has to go meet up with other people, and hands us a mound of free drink tabs. Wo. We didn’t have to pay for a single drink that entire night. We just sat there, chit chatted, played cards, with Stephen Marley playing in the background. Chill. Just chillin hard listening to Stephen play his father’s songs with the moonlight in the background. Tommy, Kate, Frump, and I go to the rocks to smoke a little snackaroo. After that I was at a really good state of mind.
We go back to the busses and head on home. The line of course was super fucking long and it took forever. Tommy’s dad drove us back to my house where we all were staying. I walk into the kitchen to find my cousin on the floor with no pants on. ‘NOAH! What the fuck is up?” He was stumbling all over the place, just wasted…probably off 5 shots, ahhh rookies. It was getting late and all of a sudden there were like 30 people at my house. I hate when this shit happens. I invite people over, then it’s a fucking free-for-all and people just invite more people without telling me. I probably wouldn’t mind, I would just like to be informed. Keep that in mind you benders reading this. The rest of the night I was trying to kick people out and tell them to leave, because I was tired as fuck and did not want to babysit for everyone all fucking night. I went to bed, and in the morning, Tommy said that he kicked out a bunch of people during the night. Thanks Tum Bum… much appreciated, I’ll have to pay you back with a nice bowlski.
I lay in bed, my eyes are sluggish, my body aches, and I have a headache. That’s about as much of a beating I can put my body through. 4 consecutive days of drinking, with a day rage in the midst of it. Nice work body, get a good recovery tomorrow, but don’t get too comfortable… because the day after is the 4th of July, and if I don’t have a beer or a mixer in my hand…I’m not a true American.
….FUCK YA! AMERICA