Thursday, June 30, 2011

Jimmy Buffet: Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffet: Margaritaville
June 25th, 2011
Alpine Valley

        Saturday morning. Look outside, and it’s gorgeous out. So sunny, so hot, not a cloud in the sky. I was nervous, because the week before, it was raining and 60 out every day. I get out some eggs and bread, and make myself a bomb-ass breakfast. I was this close to taking a picture of my eggs, they were fucking majestic. (props to Sisler for teaching me his ways) I sit down and realize I don’t have anything to drink, so I head on over to the fridge and grab an ice cold Blue Moon. Do I dare? Fuck ya, lets do this shit. There’s only one thing to say in these situations…Buffet. Pop the top, and a crisp sound comes off as the carbonated water vapor smokes out of the top. Cut up an orange slice and toss it in there. Oh my lanta, it’s so delicious…favorite beer of all time. I sit down and have my own version of kegs and eggs as I watch Sportscenter.

        I shower up after the girls and as I’m just getting out, none other than Jimbo ‘Bnasty aka Big Germ’ Bernatz greets me. Ok, ok ok… now we go. Lets do this shit. We are packing the car with booze, food, booze, hula skirts, bag toss, booze, and… one lawn chair. Jim brought a 30 rack of Old Milwaukee. This is some hick-ass beer, these Buffet fans are gonna eat this shit up. Nice work Germ. We round up Phoebe and Lindsay and hit the road. I grab a road beer to make sure I can get a head start. We are in Lindsay’s convertible with the top down, and having a bottled beer is kind of sketchy. Whatever, im ballin. We stop at the grocery store to get a cooler and some ice. Jim and I go in there, and he has a coconut bra on, sexy. We get limes, a cooler, and just head to the cashier to pay for the ice. Jim is getting complimented on his bra and we are seeing other Buffeteers all over the place. (What is the Jimmy Buffet version of a ‘Taylor’??) We pay for a small bag of ice and then when we go to pick it up, we decide to take a big bag. Wow we are SO fucking rebellious, fuckin love stickin it to the man lol. We get back in the car and head on over to Alpine Valley. We meet up with Bri’s brother and his crew on the side of the road, and caravan to Alpine. We get harassed by a couple of bitch workers because we didn’t have a parking pass, fuck youuuuu (Fogul voice). We get preferred parking and we are real close to the entrance. Look down at my phone as we park the car. 11:15. What time does the concert start again?....8:00?? Ok this should be interesting.

        We get out of the car, Jim and I immediately take our shirts off and lube up with some suntan lotion. We bust out the margarita mix and some Pepe Lopez Tequilla. If you read my PCB drunk diary, you would know about my history with Senor Lopez. Make a solid margarita on the rocks, and then we introduce ourselves to everyone in Brandon’s crew There were 11 of them, mostly the Magills. I am meeting one of brandon’s good friends.

    “Hey nice to meet you, I’m Alex”
    “Hey, I’m Jim”
    “Really? Looks like we have two Jims”
    “Well you can call me James, Jim, Lamb…whatever”

        Wait… Lamb? Like a sheep lamb? Yep, like a sheep lamb. His name is lamb, or lammylamb, whatever works. Jim and I challenge Lamb and Brandon to a game of bag toss. We are smokin’ their asses 19-0, and somehow they end up coming back and beating us. Fuckin scrub status right there. Lamb and Brandon challenge the girls, while me and Jimbo toss around the ol’ frisbee. Just a couple of bros with no shirts on, throwing a Frisbee around at a Jimmy Buffet concert. NBD. I finish the last of my drink…need another one. We sit and drink, play games, chitchat with our neighbors and watch as the rest of the Buffet army fills up Alpine Valley. Look down at my phone. 12:05… wowzas. We watch people around us setting up their tailgate. Hooollly santa clause shit. These people to HAM - Buffet style. People were busting out tables and grills, homemade bars, decorations, the whole shhhebang. People even brought tablecloths, like who the fuck actually remembers to bring a tablecloth. Old people. I swear they must have been preparing for this concert for months. A few rows behind us, someone brought a gigantic inflatable cheese-head snowman. The thing was the size of an SUV, like who would want to put in the effort to do that, and then have to take it down….old people. They fuckin love that shit.

        We bust out the burgers and start making some grub. I’m going to need a solid base in me before I get wasted. We are conversing with everyone and Brandon and they are telling us that we HAVE to walk around. What could be so special about that? I bet people are just sitting and drinking to themselves. Do they really want fuckin lingerers trying to get their booze and food? Fuckin lingggerrerrss man. (Waller, you know what I’m talking about) My thought about that will be forever changed.

        After we get done eating, we sit around, drink more…obvi, and play games. We take a couple group shots, I toast my shot to Dexter, can’t fuckin wait for season 6. The Magills announce that we are going to go walk around. Brandon has a rolling cooler, so we toss a shit-ton of Old Milwaukee (I put it in italics because I feel like its more authentic and classy) in the cooler. We snag a couple of cozies and start walking. We are walking down the road between all the cars, and I see a whole crowd of people circled around something. ‘What is going on over there?? Fight? Free booze? Free food? The answer…none of the above. I find a viewing window through the heads and shoulders of the people and the first thing I see is this big-ol bitch licking whip cream off her tits. She has to be 60 years old, with these big saggy-ass tits. Ahhh that's grody. Just what I wanted to see. I just shrug my shoulders…Buffet.

        We keep on walking, there are games going on everywhere and we find this one game where you sit on a skim board that is on an axis in the middle, so they spin you and whatever color the skim board faces is the color booze that you get poured into your mouth. The old people just want to attract people and give away all their booze. Phoebe and Lindsay go on, and then Brandon and lamb go on together. We are watching Brandon and Lamb go, and then WACK!! I turn and Lindsay is holding her face, “What the fuck just happened?” Some chadbro comes over and starts apologizing for throwing a frisbee at Lindsay’s face. Why are you throwing a frisbee in a crowd of people? Do you have the IQ of a grape? She put her contact back in, laughed it off and moved on. She was being a trooper for taking that hit, but at least now she’s got a pretty badass black eye now...rebel.

        We walk to the next group of people which has a limbo going on and they are using bras strung together as the limbo stick. The girls do that as me and Jim dance with an old lady. We keep walking and come across this homemade bar that these two guys were chillin at. The one dude looked like he was straight out of Swamp loggers or Axe men. The start talking to Lindsay and Phoebe, “Show us yer tits and we’ll give yall a shot.” They both weren’t feelin it but I was chumming with the guy next to me, “I can show my tits, I don’t even have a shirt on. Could I just whip my junk out to get a shot?”
logger-“Nope. Doesn’t work that way buddy.” – One of the few disadvantages of being a guy.

        We keep on walking, and Jim and I are pounding Old Milwaukees. Just something about being outside with no shirt on, people watching, makes you want to put a cold beer down your throat. Walk, walk, walk until we see something that attracts us. There is a bunch of people around this spinning wheel that has the options of, “Show your tits, take a shot, or crowd’s choice.” Phoebe and Lindsay go up there hoping they are going to get some free booze. They spin the wheel…crowd choice. What would a bunch of horny old men want to see two young college girls do?? Hmm… tough one. Lindsay really didn’t want to show her tits, but Phoebe was all for it. 1..2..3. Wooo! A bunch of old men hoot and holler and Phoebe gives them a show. One guy next to Jim has his arms crossed and very casually says, “Hmm very orb-like. Nice.” He must be some sort of tit expert.

        To the yellow lot we go. We are stopped by a group of people playing flip cup. Jim and I try to get in on this game, but we have penises, so we are automatically not welcome. Watching the girls play flip cup, we pound more beer. I’m getting pretty shwasted by this time. After flip cup, we found these group of guys who were giving out Jello shots…and they actually handed one to me and Jim. Nice! Down the hatch. As we are walking around we are dancing and drinking with so many people. I had an epiphany: Old people fucking love us. That is it. We are college students who love to get fucked up and they want to reminisce from when they were in school, and want to show us how they ‘partied’ back in the day. I was thinking about it…what type of people go see a Jimmy Buffet concert. 1. people who like to drink 2. people who like to party 3. old people 4. people who like to smoke weed. I love doing all of those things, except doing old people, not really my thang.

        We hear some loud music playing in the distance, and it’s not Margaritaville, but techno and rap. We definitely should go over there. We find where this music is coming from, and it’s just a couple of bros with huge speakers, and 30 empty parking spaces for a dance floor. Lets stay and dance a little. We started dancing, and the music kept on rolling. There was one guy behind the ‘DJ booth’ if you will, and I was yelling at him… “Fucking Ice Cream Paint Job!” I turn to Jim. “Jim, how do you spell Dourough??” We both got a laugh out of that…classic. We are raging hard. Like real hard. More and more people are showing up which amplifies the intensity. I see out of the corner of my eye a dude dancing with a plastic horse mask on. My jaw drops. “Harry! Half man half horse boy… now that’s more of what I was looking for!” (Vaughaner- I know you’ll get that one- dumb and dumberer). I go over and dance around him, he’s not saying a word, I’m not saying a word, we just know that we are on the same page. I’m basking in the glory of his horse mask, and he is flaunting his mane. I’m spring dancing around him just staring at the mask thinking of how badly I want that horse mask. After about 10 minutes of dancing with seabiscuit, I look for something else. WWBD? What Would Bauer Do? He’d get that bow and arrow out, stalk his prey and go in for the kill of a nice 250lb hog. I find this real fine piece of ace, she’s a red head, about 210, skin whiter than a ghost. Prime. I stare her down and start dancing with her. She’s really dishin it to me and I’m taking it like a champ. I’m in the middle of a sandwich between Lindsay and Pumbaa (from lion king) just livin it up. Everytime Jim had a beer in his hand, Lindsay would snatch it, open it up, and soak everyone with beer. I keep dancing with the hog and she keeps staring at Lindsay like she was mentally asking permission if she could take me into the ladies bathroom of a Steak n’ Shake and rip me to shreds.

        After a good hour, we decide to give our rotators and calves a break from fist pumpin and jumping up and down. On our way back we meet some people who give us sringe shots and pudding shots. The sringe shots were gigantic and I squeezed it all in my mouth and I got a mouthful of slippery jello booze. Cough. The pudding shots, I was a little skeptical of but once I we tasted them, they were unbelievable. They kept giving us more, so we kept taking. Again...old people fucking worship us. The row ahead of our cars were taking beer bongs from an octabong so we all got our chance to get in there and get a beer bong or two in.

        Back to home base we head to re-up on liquor and food. Look down at my phone. 5:00, holy duck fuck, this can’t be. I fill up my cup with a little Red Bull and Vodka which is a refreshing taste after six hours of margaritas and beer. I was not getting tired of drinking at all. I have a problem. Once I start drinking, I just want to skip the buzz stage and go straight to wasted. We fry up some more burgers and some green beans (good call to bring those Linds) and keep drinking. An hour or two go by and we are prepping to go to the concert. I am looking for my ticket, Phoebe took mine and said she gave it back to me. I literally am searching the car for an hour and I can’t find it. I’m piss drunk and I always do this. I’ll either put something somewhere and not be able to find it, (like misplacing my weed, thinking someone stole it, and punching a 2’x1’ hole in the wall) or I will just straight up lose shit. When I am drunk, I tend to get violent, and angry quickly. I think my whole house in Madison knows that from previous experiences. I’m getting so pissed off that I can’t find my ticket, I need to let out my aggression. I am punching Lindsay’s seats as hard as I can…just giving this passenger’s seat an ass whoopin. I was just going HAM on that convertible. (Sorry Linds, Btw) I’m searching and searching and searching and I can’t find it. I look under the car. I just reach my hand out and skim across the grass hoping I will find this ticket. All of a sudden under the wheel well I feel a envelope. Shut the frump up!! (Sorry for such harsh words) I’m so relieved, but still so pissed off, I can’t just flip a switch from wanting to kill something to happy as dog with two dicks at a bitch fest. I snatch the bottle of Pepe Lopez, tilt it straight up and pound that shit for a good 5 seconds. Ok killer, easy down.

        Now that everyone has a ticket, we decide to go into the concert. We get in fine and I head to the beer line with LammyLamb. It takes 10 minutes to get through, each beer is 13 fucking bones, but I wanted to buy beers for having a temper tantrum on Lindsay’s cruiser. I get up there hand the guy my fake, he gives me 2 beers, I hand him my credit card and he says ‘we only accept cash.’ Well what the fuck!! This is bullshit. I don’t have any money…all my money is on this little plastic thing. Alright fuck it. Lets just get to a spot. We go about halfway down the hill and find a spot. About 3 minutes later, I see some familiar faces… “Hummell?? Shut the fuck up, how the fuck did we find eachother?” she was with Gilly and some other girls. What a small world. Probably 50,000+ people at this concert, and somehow…out of the entire lawn area Kelly walks right in front of us. Crazy shit right there marokey.

        We watch the concert, Phoebe and Lindsay go to the bathroom and only Lindsay returns. Jim is on the verge of passing out standing up…classic jimbo. The concert was actually awesome, I didn’t know many words but it was still a lot of fun. We stay until the encore and then we decide to leave. I hope we can find Phoebe, we don’t want another Charlie Seitz incident at Alpine Valley. We are walking back to the car and in passenger seat sits Phoebe just chillin like a cucumber. She apparently couldn’t find us, so she just went to the car and chilled there. The Thompsons and Magills had already left by the time we got to the car. We throw the top down and people are everywhere swarmed around the car like bees. I’m thinking to myself… “we were one of the first people in, that means we’re going to be one of the last people out of here.” Get ready for a 3 hour wait. Well this is going to suck.

        Out of the blue, some guy just yells at us, “You should take a left!” Lindsay pulls a loosy larry and we find this back path. We follow a couple of cars and literally in 5 minutes we are already out of Alpine Valley. That couldn’t have gone any better. We jam out on the way home and we get back to whitewater in no time. I look at my phone. 11:50. Wow, that’s incredible. We are pulling into Lindsay’s parking spot and Phoebe says, “Is that Kaarina?” What? Why and how would Kaarina be in Whitewater? Lindsay- “That’s definitely Kaarina.” Sure enough… Kaarina comes running over to our car asking how the concert was. We go upstairs to Lindsay’s place and chill there for a little bit. Kaarina and Sarah convince us to go downstairs to a party. I am so tired and drunk, all I want to do is sleep. Fuck it. Lets go. We head downstairs and there is maybe 10 people in there, 8 of them were bros. I didn’t give a fuck. Lets play flip cup. We play flip cup, blast music, drink, you know…usual party stuff. Some girl comes up to me and tells me that some dude tried to pass out in her bed and is now sleeping in the guest bedroom. ‘Was he a six foot drunk-ass blonde german? Does he have a yellow shirt on?’….yep….ahh i knew it.Jim. Germ always passes out in peculiar spots. Just don’t piss the guest bed. We leave and I find Kaarina and Lindsay having a UFC fighting match out on the lawn. After the match ends in Lindsay’s dress being ripped, we head upstairs.

         Lindsay, Phoebe, and I head into Lindsay’s room since her roommate was occupying the living room. I bust out the greenery. We blaze up, I start texting John from Phoebes phone and Lindsay brings in some ‘munchies’. Well munchies to a girl are much different than they are to a guy. Lindsay is having a salad and Phoebe and I are munch out on peanut butter and pretzels. I would have loved to have a za or some dank ass fruit snacks, but whatevs. Phoebe got too blazed and passed out on Lindsay’s bed. I climb on the couch and lay there. It feels so good to be off my feet; we’ve been on them since 11am this morning. As soon as I turn the switch to go to sleep, I think to myself, “Am I going to have to write a diary about this?? Probably.. All I know is I’m going to Buffet every year for the rest of my life.”

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