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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Jumpin' Out of Planes #Skydiving




Jumpin out of planes
July 17, 2011
East Troy, WI

This isn't a drunk diary but more of an amazing experience my friends and I had on one 
casual sunday...

        My eyes open as the sound of No Women, No Cry fills my room from my phone alarm …5:45am. I get up, turn it off, and fall back asleep. Sorry Mr. Marley, I would normally bask in the glory of that song, but right now, I want sleepy time. Wake up again to faint sound of a… “Watrruuudoiin”. I look up, scratch my eyes, and see some type of dark-skinned Indian standing next to the bed. John is standing over me, showered up and ready to go. What?? John is up and ready to go? Its 6am, John is non-functional before 9am; he doesn’t know how to wake up before that time. First time I’ve ever been woken up by Johnny. He has a glass of Sunny D, a Special K bar, and a yogurt. And you made breakfast John? You’re on top of your shit right now.

        I toss some clothes on, brush my teeth, and toss some water on my hair… fuck showering. John and I say goodbye to Linds and Febes, and we head off to the ATM in Hartland to meet up with the Kohl bros and Mista Clarence. I hit up the ATM to get some cash and all of a sudden, I see Jordan dancing up and down in front of the car, just jacked up to jump out of a fucking plane. So Jake and Jordan hop in the car, and out comes the greens. What time is it again?? Ooo yeah that’s right, its 6:45am right now, wowzas. Tarrence comes zooming into the parking lot frantically, because we were supposed to meet at the Park-and-Ride in Delafied but changed it last minute. John thought Jordan talked to Tarrence, and Jordan thought John talked to Tarrence…ipso facto… Tarrence was left out of the loop. Sorry Mista Clarence, miss-communication.

        We all hop in John’s Volvo and start heading to East Troy where the skydiving place was. When we left, we had just enough time to get there by 7:30am. Once we left the parking lot, we sparked up. I took one rip out of that piece, and I was rippitty ripped. I think it was because it was so early in the morning and my body isn’t used to getting stupidman high before 7am. I look in the mirror….hieediee hoo…take me to funky town, and call me towlie, cuz my eyes are redder than the devil’s dick. We kiesh the bowl and everyone concurs that we are gonna have to make a quick pitstop at McDonalds. Haha. Typical. Skydiving can wait for an Egg McMuffin Sammy. 

Drive-thru of McDonalds


        We get our McDonalds and it tasted like ‘God’s Vagina’. Fucking delicious. Tarrence packs up another one…oooo boy, this will be the death of me. I’m just chilling in the front seat watching all the nature around me, taking in the scenery, because this could be the last time I ever see it again. I wanted to be thinking positive about skydiving, but there is always a chance that something can go wrong.

        We pull up into the parking lot, and a feeling comes across all of us. This is it. It’s for real now. We're going fucking skydiving today. My heart starts beating faster and faster, I’m fidgety, nervous, excited,and... baked out of my mind. We meet Justin, Curtis, and Nick there. Gus and his crew are a little behind. We walk into the place and head to the front counter. The guy behind the counter gives us all a little shpeal on the dive, hands us some clip boards, and then says, “Alright, who are the first three people that want to jump?” Nick and Curtis say they will go, and then John chimes in and says he will go with them. It was supposed to be Nick, Curtis, and Justin, and then John, Tarrence, and me but John was being John... just kinda clueless as to what was going on. Watevs, it will all be the same in the end. The guy says, “Ok. So you three? Come with me.”

        They grab their clipboards and go into the video room, while the rest of us go outside and start filling out our ‘If you die, it’s not our fault’ forms. That’s when it started to hit home, when you were filling out this paper work, basically signing your life away. Kind of scary. Gus and his crew of people arrive, go through the same process we did, and start filling their paperwork out with us. I meet Bobby... bobby has never been on a plane before. Ever. Never been on one, but today he’s going to ride in one, and then jump out of it. Fuckin' baller status right there. As we're getting our paperwork finished and signing my legal rights away, John is getting strapped up in a harness. I thought that this was going to be an all day event, I thought we wouldn't be jumping until at least noon. We would get there, fill out paperwork, go sit in on an hour video, get hands on instruction for another hour or two, practice for another hour, and then go up in the plane. Nope. They get you in the air as fast as they can, and in retrospect, there really wasn’t that much instruction that you needed to know.

        We get everything filled out, so Jordan, Jake, Justin, Tarrence, and I head outside to the viewing area. It was called the ‘Raven’s Nest’ and it was a really nice elevated patio on the roof of the equiptment room. It had grills and picnic benches, and there was an indoor A/C part that had TV’s and whatnot. If you looked in a certain direction you would be able to see people skydiving and watch their parachutes deploy. As we are taking in all of this, we hear over the intercom, “Pack two…5 min... pack two... 5 min until departure.” We look down and see John is already suited up with Nick and Curtis getting ready to head on over to the plane. Holy shit, He’s about to go right now!

        We watch as John gets on the plane, and within five minutes, the plane disappears over the grassy hill. We watch the plane take off in the distance and John is in the air. I’m like, “holy duck fuck, this shit is actually happening.” The plane gets smaller and smaller as it rises into the atmosphere away from us, until it is nowhere to be seen. We go back inside and get our names on the list because we want to go next; I don’t want to have to wait and get super anxious and nervous, let’s do this shit right now. Jordan, Jake, and their pops, Jim, are the next ones up. Shit. Oh well, at least we will be able to go third. No biggy.

        Jordan, Jake, and Jim go with their instructors to suit up. Shit this is going fast, I thought there was going to be somewhat of a build up…not a chance. Tarrence, Justin, and I go to the Raven’s Nest and watch John free fall from 13,500 feet. I am anxiously watching…please open the chute, please open the chute. All of a sudden, a colorful chute deploys and I exhale as my heart slows down.

        John, Nick, and Curtis all land safely, and then hop on a golf cart to get escorted back to the equipment room. All of them are on the golf cart with the biggest smiles on their faces, their eyes were bulging out of their heads. We run down to the equipment room and all ask them how it was. They all start talking at once, their voices filled with excitement, “Dude it was the most intense thing ever! So insane! So fucking awesome!” I ask John, “So Johnny! How was it, was it really scary?”

     John is twitchy, out of breath, holding his forehead, “Dude, I think I blacked out…I don’t remember what happened.”

        I started geeking out. Ahh classic. They said that would probably happen. You have so much adrenaline that after your jump, you have no idea what you saw or heard. John now knows the color of fear from skydiving... brown. 
Jordan & Jake about to head out to the plane

        As we keep talking to them about it, Jordan, Jake, and Jim walk by all geared up ready to go. Jordan is jumping up and down with adrenaline, and after seeing him and hearing about John’s jump, I started to get real stoked. I was getting stoked like it was my day job. We watch as Jordan, Jake, and Jim head to the plane to go. As this is happening, over the intercom, they instruct Tarrence, Justin, and I to head inside to meet our instructors.

     Main guy- “Ok, Tarrence, you have Kermit…Alex, you have Shue…and Justin, You have Homebrew.”

        I never knew what a skydiving bro was like, but now I know. My guy was pretty cool, Justin’s guy, Homebrew, had a gigantic beer gut…looked like he was 8 months pregnant, and Tarrence’s guy was….a douche bag. Tarrence’s guy, Kermit, was like 5’4’’, I couldn’t wait to see them tandem dive, just big ‘ol lanky-ass Tarrence, with a little mini me on his back. We get suited up and head on out to the field and wait for Jordan, Jake, and Jim to return from their jump.

Justin, Tarrence, and I 

        They all land safely and come on back on the golf cart. They are all just yelling as they drive by, “SO SICK!! O MY GOD!!”

        We walk out to the plane, and wait for it to be refueled. We sit on the bench next to the plane and the plane is loud and windy, and my heart starts beating faster and faster. I was trying to keep calm, but I had so much adrenaline coursing through my veins, it was inevitable. We walk up to the plane and climb in. There are just two benches and we straddled it in front of our instructors, so they could clip us in on the ride up. I am the last person on the bench about 3 feet away from the door that you jump out of. The plane starts rolling and gets on the runway path. We have to taxi for around eight minutes, and the plane was getting really hot. I started sweating, and I looked back and saw Tarrence and Justin just sweating balls.

        We take off, and I watch the ground get further and further away…100ft down…300ft down…800ft down…1000ft down. Ok...there is no turning back now. All of a sudden, at like 2000ft, my camera lady opens the door... a gust of air slaps me in the face, sounds of wind howl through the cabin, and all I can see is blue skies. I am three feet away from this door, I was too rebellious to put a seatbelt on, my instructor hasn’t hooked me in yet, I am basically three feet away from death. I look up to my left, find a hand railing, grab onto it with a death grip. I’m not dieing today.

Shue and I at about 10,000 feet 
        
        We keep climbing…and climbing…and climbing, and the suspense and anxiety start to build up.The pilot says that we are at an altitude of 12,000 feet. My instructor starts strapping my harness to his. He's asking me, "Have you ever been this close to another man before?" I say, "No, but I've never felt more comfortable." Tighter please. I want to be one with ‘the Shue’. The pilot says that we are at 13,500 feet, then the plane slows down a little. I am looking at the lights, it goes from Red to Yellow. They open the door up again (they closed it to do an interview), and a wind tunnel of fear fills the cabin. I look down and we're so high in the air, you can only see faint signs of the ground. The light goes from yellow to green. The camera lady and Shue both turn and look at me, as if to say, 'you're turn little buddy'. Ohh shittt. My instructor tells me to shimmy my way to the door and hang my legs over the edge. Ya that won’t be scary…My heart is racing a million miles an hour as I get closer and closer to the edge. I throw my feet over the edge and my legs are being blown by the 100mph winds from the plane. I grab onto the railing above me, but Shue tells me to cross my arms. I am sitting there on the brink of what could be death. From this point on, all of my trust goes into my instructor, the equipment, and the big man upstairs. Shue says we are going to rock forward, rock back, and then roll out of the plane. We rock forward and my head is looking straight down from 13,500 feet. My eyes open wide as I am looking down into absolutely nothing but the atmosphere. We rock backwards, I look to my right and toss a ‘later bro’ sign to Tarrence and Justin, and then rock forward into the abyss.
later bro

        HOOOLLLYYY SHIIIITTT!!!!! I’m looking straight down at the clouds, my face is getting rocked by wind, and I’m accelerating towards the earth at 32.2ft/s^2. I can’t even hear myself scream, “OHHHH FUCCCKKK YAAA BRO!!” Shue spins us round and round, I thought to myself, if this goes wrong and I die, I’m gonna go out having a hell of a time. I can’t stop smiling, as I float through sky. I have a real sensation of gravity. I can feel it push me and pull me through the air in different directions. You really didn’t have any perspective as to how fast you were going because there was no reference to go off of. You were dropping from tens of thousands of feet and it was nothing but space. So much fucking space. Just swimming through a sea of blue skies. Your entire life, you are grounded to the earth. Every moment of your life you are touching the earth, think about it. But here, you aren’t grounded to anything, zip, nothing. You aren’t touching anything and you are using pure force of gravity to propel you through the air. An unbelievable, indescribable feeling that you can only get from this experience. You start off with the potential energy of around 4.5 million Joules, freefalling through the Earth’s atmosphere at 120mph with nothing but this backpack that deploys a couple of strings and a blanket to save your life. It's like committing suicide...without the dying part, fucking incredible.

free-falling at 120mph


        Shue puts the altimeter in front of my face which is his signal to reach back and deploy the parachute. I reach back, and I can’t grab a hold of it…it’s flailing all over the place and I can’t grab it. Shue grabs my hand and we pull it together. A faint slow down feeling is followed by a gigantic sensation of being pulled upwards, follows. All the blood rushed from my head down to my feet extremely fast. Within seconds the camera lady is already hundreds of feet below us, flying so fast downwards. The parachute wobbles around a little bit and then levels out. I am out of breath, heart pumping out of my chest, feeling light headed, shaking with adrenaline, “Oh my god. That was the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever done.” I take a huge sigh of relief, yessss, my parachute opened…wooo!! I sit there suspended by a harness, looking down over East Troy, WI. He grabs the handles that controls the parachute, and hand them to me. He is telling me what to do.

    “Pull as hard as you can on the right one.”

        I yank the thing down, and our parachute quickly dips to the right, and starts spiraling down to the right accelerating faster and faster. The parachute had an unbelievable amount of control. I sit there as the sun is halfway up the sky, a cool breeze hits my face, and I sit there on top of the world. Fucking majestic. 
parachute deploys....o thank god

        We start getting closer and closer to the ground…400ft…200ft…100ft. We come in for the landing; I keep my legs up and we slide in the grass safely. An unbelievable amount of joy comes across me. I’m safe, I’m safe, success. Justin and Tarrence safely land close by and Justin is so relieved. He throws the baseball umpire sign of ‘safe’ and just blurts out inbetwen gasps of air, “Fucking safe….fucking safe…holy fucking shit…. I’m fucking safe.”

        I shake my instructors hand for the unbelievable experience, head to the equipment room to take off my harness and get my certificate. I have a headache, but my body and mentality were in a total state of euphoria. It was such a crazy feeling- a surge of pure adrenaline, relief to be on the ground, exhilaration from the freefall, and joy from the entire experience.

        I walk up the stairs to the Ravens Nest and am greeted with a bottle of beer by John and Jordan. “HOW FUCKING AWESOME WAS THAT!” I didn’t even know what to say, there were so many emotions, I was speachless. We all were so stoked from adrenaline we kept saying, “Oh my gosh, I have so much adrenaline, I need to do something... like do jumping jacks, or punch infants.”

        God forbid there was a nursery around, we would have gone on a baby punching spree. I'm sorry baby, I have wayyy too much adrenaline not to not punch you.

        There were brats and burgers on the grill being fried up. We sit there and watch as the rest of the group went sky diving, while we ate brats and burgers, and drank beer. It felt like we had conquered something great, overcame fear, overcame physics…overcame death.

        Over the intercom we hear, “There is no alcohol allowed on the premise during jumping hours, I repeat…no alcohol on the property.” I think they are directing that towards us. I’m sure they looked at all of our forms we filled out, looked at the ‘age’ column and just saw….20…20…20…20…20…and of course Tarrence, 21. We polished off the rest of our beer and threw it away. 

the descent...

        Tarrence and I still wanted to drink, so we went to the car, grabbed a McD’s cup, grabbed the Admirals, and there was chaser in the Ravens Nest. We sit on the picnic table, toss in a fatty squad, and share a mixer. Mayo is the last one to go, and we just sit and watch all their reactions as they get done and come up to the Nest. Everyone had such a great experience, everyone loved every minute of it.

        We say goodbye to everyone, I thanked Gus for being assertive and taking the initiative to actually organize and go through with this event. We walk to the car and we all are so happy that today went well and everyone enjoyed themselves. We sit in the car, listen to the sweet sounds of 53 Chill on XM radio and watch our videos of our dives. It was so cool to see everyone’s dives and what they did. Thank god John got a video, because he completely forgot what had happened. Everyone had their own unique reactions when jumping out of the plane, it was so cool.

        I jumped out of a plane by 11:00am today, what the fuck did you do? Probably still sleeping you scrub, learn how to be a boss before noon. I sit in the backseat watching the trees again, lucky to be alive, safe and sound. Feeling empowered, I thought, if I could stand in an open airplane doorway two-and-a-half miles above the ground and will myself to step into empty space, then I could do anything.



live to die another day
Click on the video to pause/play it 


Sunday, July 10, 2011



Drunk Diary
Summerfest: Kid Cudi/ Kanye West Concert
Thursday June 30, 2011


        Ughhh…I’m hungover yo. It’s Thursday morning and I’m chillin hard at my desk. Trying to keep my eyes open and head off the desk. The unproductively is through the roof, due to opening day at Summerfest last night. Went to bed at 2ish, had to wake up at 5:30. I’m in the car with my dad and I am still drunk. When I am in the office, I am still drunk. I keep saying to myself, “Please don’t throw up on your keyboard.” I seriously can’t keep my eyes open, and I can’t help but fall asleep. I am in and out of consciousness and I know I have to do something about this. Ding (light bulb above my head). I got an idea. One word…two syllables - Carnaps. I go to my manager and tell him that I have a meeting with some guy up in Industrial Controls. I throw on an ‘away at a meeting’ status up on my SameTime (Rockwell Automation’s version of AIM) and head to my dad’s car. I crawl into the backseat, use a pair of shoes as a pillow, set my alarm for an hour and a half later, and dose off. Wow- best decision 2011….furrrrr surrrree. I get out of the car and head back to work making sure I’m not rockin any bed head. I stop at the Bridge Market and pick up some Alka Seltzer Plus for my unsettling stomach. Head back to work and do more unproductive activities… stumbleupon…facebook…CNN.com (I’m so fucking up-to-date on my current events).

        Lunch rolls around. Of course I’m going to take an hour lunch today, even though I really don’t feel like eating, I do what I want. I eat with my intern bros in the cafeteria, we share stories about last night’s Summerfest adventures, and I tell them I am headed for another carnap. Round 2. Head to my pop’s car and crawl in the backseat again to recover more. I wake up and head back to work. Wow…I feel like a piece of shit, but I lovvve to shleeepp. The rest of the day I knew I wasn’t going to get anything done, so all I did was write a drunk diary for my Buffet weekend. Once I was in the midst of writing that, my day started to turn around. I was getting stoked for tonight’s Sfest adventures. Vaughan had invited me, Sisler, and Tarrence aka Mista Clarence to the Kid Cudi and Kanye West concert. OFYB! (Which stands for: Oh Fuck Ya Bro…for those of you who don’t wear snapbacks or chill tees) Kyle has the tickets and he said they would be to Summerfest at around 7:00pm. Well Rockwell is less than a mile away from Summerfest, so I decided to stay at work until 6:30ish and then meet them at the grounds. It was about 5:15 and there were very few people in the office. 5:30 rolls around and I am the only one in the office. Frump yes. I walk around checking every cubicle and office and there are no signs of life. I bust out a water bottle of vodka and head on over to the fridge and grab a soda. I do what Tech n9ne would do and grab a Mt. Dew, because “Vodka and Mt. Dew is the new shit” – (Like Yeah lyrics bitch). I head on over to my desk, crank up some ‘Kid Cudi’ Pandora jams, make myself a Abomb mixer (which is one strong ass mixer), and continue typing my Buffet diary. Great Thursday evening.

        I polish off three mixers, and finish my diary. I look at the clock and I am running out of time. I grab my change of clothes, sprint across Rockwell to the locker room (which is honestly a quarter of a mile), hop in the shower and throw my clothes on. I shut my computer down, throw it in my desk, lock that shit up, swallow the key, and start sprinting to Summerfest with a bottle of booze flapping against my junk. I’m sprinting and it’s hot and humid. When I stop to cross the street, I feel myself pittin out and rockin’ some nice back sweat. Well this is great. I’m gonna show up to the concert sweating like I’m Mike Tyson at a spelling bee. I’m almost there when I get a drunk call from Vaughan, “Oh my godddd duuudeeee…where the fuckkk areee youuu???”
Chill out Vaughan. I meet up with them, and we walk to the Amphitheater entrance.
    I start asking them, “So what do we have to get us fucked up??”

    Sisler – “We got 3 waterbottles and 3 J’s.”

Heavens to betsy… it’s gonna be a gooood night. I’m asking Sisler if he notices my water bottle.

    Sisler – “Dude, you’re looking pretty buldgy my friend.”

        Ahhh fuck these banana trees, I need to get this shit in. I try to conceal it more but its looking borderline sketch-tastic. We get to the entrance and the line is super fucking long. Mista Clarence and I go and cut the line, while Sisler and Vaughan cut a different line. After a minute or so, I’m looking around and I notice they have Title 9’ed the shit out of this place and had two separate lines going…one for women and one for men. Well….drunk Vaughan and Sisler are in the ladies line, just clueless as to what is going on. I’m trying to send a text message to them, but there was so much cell phone interference it is frumpin impossible to send a message. They get to the front of the line, look like retards, and then switch lines. There were a couple of guys in front of Tarrence and me just making fun of them the whole time. Alright, only a couple people to go before I get in. Fuckin’ game time. ‘Sir…you have to take everything out of your pockets.’ Not now chief, I’m in the FUCKin zone! Boom roasted. I play it smooth, look like I’m not a terrorist or a high schooler trying to sneak in a half water bottle of Skol for me and my 12 other friends, and slip on past security. Boom roasted. Sisler and Vaughan go into the concert and I go to the concession stand to get some chaser. Tarrence gets a triple cheeseburger from the Wendy’s stand. I snag four chasers, meet up with Tarrence and head into the concert. I’m looking at my ticket…Row P…Section 2. Look up at the map of the Amphitheater and realize we are dead center front, and row P is the 16th row. Wowzas I almost creamed my pants.

        We get down to our seats, Cudi is already playing, and we have most of the row to ourselves. We are pretty visible to the security guards and we aren’t sure if they are going to care if we are pouring mixers and smoking doobie snacks. Fuck it, lets find out. We’re pouring mixers on mixers on mixers and start drinking. Tarrence looks at me, “Dood, would you like a bite of ma burgur?”
By the beard of Zeus! I thought you’d never ask. O my lanta I can taste that fuckin meat in my mouth right now. No homo.

        Cudi is playing some Pursuit of Happiness and all of us have so much energy just dancing, singing, and yelling. Straight ballers. Cudi tells his DJ to drop the next song but then stops it right away.
‘Hold on, hold on, hold on…Before we start this next one, I gotta know…where are all my weed smokas at?’

    All of us - ‘AHHH!!!!THATS US! RIGHT HERE! I RIP!!! OVER HERE!!! WOOO!!!’

        It looks like it’s time. (Tfreddy…you know when it’s time) Sisler snags a J-bone out of his pouch and sparks it up. We pass it around once and then Sisler gets a tap on his shoulder. Ahh shit… I’m afraid to turn around and look into the eyes of a 6’4’’ security guard. I put my game face on, and slowly turn around. Why it’s not Rambo coming to grab us by our testicles and throw us out…no, it’s a 45 year-old lady who just wants a rip. Sisler enthusiastically passes it to the hippie, takes another hit and then passes it to me. Sisler quietly whispers, “Duude…that mom totally nigger lipped the shit out of our joint.”

        I almost spit the J out I was laughing so hard along with Sisler and his signature laugh.
After that, about 4 other people asked if they could get a hit out of the joint. What is this? Some type of public free-for-all doobie? Get the Corn out ma FACE!!! Even some high-school couple came down like 5 minutes after we were clearly done with the joint and asked us if they could get a hit. “Fur sure bro, ya we finished it a while ago, so…..no”

        Cudi plays some dope ass songs but he didn’t play very long at all. I know he played: Erase me, Marijuana, Pursuit of Happiness, The Mood… I feel like I am forgetting something but he didn’t play very long. The concert in Madison was way doper. Cudi tells us that next up is mista Kanye West. Now I love Kanye West, but lately I’ve steered away from him. I listened to his Late Registration and Graduation album over and over and I know absolutely everyone of those songs on those albums. But when he got all robotronic, T-pain, Autotune bullshit, like that 80’s & Heartbreak album, I was really upset with him. I never heard before that Kanye was a great live musician. People started piling into the Amphitheatre and everyone we turned to said that Kanye was unbelievable live. Well this should be fucking awesome… I wasn’t expecting anything spectacular but, hey I’m down like a clown Charlie br... down like a clown Charlie babrrrraaaaa…..down like a clown charlie braaabrraaa..baaaa….down like a clown brroownn.
(if you don’t know why I did that right there, check out this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj8FnT5Rnpg you will understand what I’m talking about…dammit I hate trying to make everyone understand my puns).

        There is an hour or so gap between Cudi and Kanye. So what do we do? Fucking pound mixers like it’s our day job, and I’m starting to get a little tipsy. Tarrence turns to me and says, “Dood, that joint was justa little one, we still got two big ones left…hahehheeehee” Tarrence and his South African geek-out laugh. Ahh I’m so excited for this fucking concert!!

        All of a sudden, the lights go dim, the backdrop curtain rises, the lights shine and a bunch of dancers come out on stage. These chicks were all really hot and had basically nothing on. They had their backs facing the crowd and you just looked up at the stage and just saw 30 asses. Ok Kanye…I like your style broski. The intro drops, everyone starts yelling and screaming, the dancers were going all fucking crazy, but there was no Kanye. After like 30sec of trying to figure out where he was, I hear his voice. Everyone turns their heads and looks up in the middle of the crowd. The main beat drops, Kanye starts rappin, “I’m livin in that 21st century, doin something mean to it, do it betta then anybody eva seen do it, screams from the haters, gotta nice ring to it, I guess every supa hero need his theme music!” I’m jumpin up and down… “No one man should have all that POWWERR!!!” Just going crazy. People are flippin shit, there’s arms flailing everywhere, there is so much energy in the crowd.

        Sisler turns to me and grabs another joint… should we do it?? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does a one-legged dog swim in a circle?? Fuck ya! Spark that shit up sissy-mayne. Right as we are sparking that shit up, we hear, “Bum, bum, bum, bum, BA, bum bum” Kanye is playing Jesus Walks!!?? Sweet grandmother’s spatula! Ahh I’m going HAM right now. We’re drinking and smoking, just raging along with Kanye West. Mista Clarence says, “Hey doods, should I get sum beers?”

You read my mind Mista Clarence.

        We were just hammered drinking up a storm, smoking up a storm, just being belligerent. Sisler yells at this knob-shine bender of a security guard… “Hey bro, how much do you get paid to do this shit?” He says something, I forget, but we were just being assholes to the kid. The whole night I kept on pointing at him and nodding my head just lip singing to him. Just making real suggestive dance moves towards him. I had an aisle seat so I was making it real awkward and creepy for this kid. There was a black couple in the next section across the aisle just lovin’ every minute of me messing with this kid. The lady said she almost pissed her pants watching me do this. I didn’t intentionally do it, but I was just in the moment, in the song, wasted, and it just came to me. Lol.

        The concert keeps getting blurrier and blurrier because I kept on drinking…and drinking. I remember it being like halfway through Kanye’s concert just yelling at everyone, “I’m the perfect drunk right now!!!” I loved every minute of that concert, it was so fun. Kanye had this unbelievable light show, and at one point there was just a shower of sparks raining from the ceiling. I was in such awe that I just held my phone above my head, started yelling, and kept taking pictures…just “AHHHHHH!!!!! snap. snap AHHHH snap. snap. snap. AHHHHHH!!! snap. snap.” I looked at my phone the next day and had 20 pictures that were basically the same.

        We polish off the first round of beers and I tell Terrance…more, more, more. He says, “Dood, I don’t have any muney.” I look in my wallet, pull out a 20 and give it to him. I look him dead in the eyes…buy beer, as much as you can with this. He comes back with another round of plastic bottled Miller Lite. Ahh that sweet ice cold nectar hitting the back of your throat on a humid night when you’re dehydrated and thirsty… couldn’t ask for anything else. I polish off mine real fast, and the rest of somebody else’s. Time to spark up the last joint? OFYB! Right as we spark it I hear Good Life off of his Graduation album. We are passing it around, I have the joint in my mouth just dancing and nodding to my head as Kanye is in the background, “the good life, it feel like Atlanta, it feel like LA, it feel like Miami, it feel like NY…summertime Chi…AHH. Now throw your hands up in the sky!!!” Lights flashing before my eyes, Kanye goin crazy on stage, joint in my mouth, hands in the air, together with my bros… it was just so fucking awesome! This is AWEsome, the is AWEsome, I lOVe soccer.

        The joint is probably 80% of the way through when a cute girl about our age comes up to us and asks Sisler for a hit.

    Sisler- “You wanna hit??” puff. Puff. “Show us your tits”
    Girl – “I mean I don’t know…”
    Sisler – puff. puff. “I know you wanna hit….show us your tits.”
I was geeking out sitting there. I was drunk just laughing my ass off.
    Girl- “Well…I mean..”
    Sisler-“Show us your tits…” puff. puff.

        He kept taunting her by acting like he was about to pass it to her, as she reached out he would pull it back, take a couple puffs and say… “Show us your tits.”

        After doing this for like 5 straight minutes, the joint was basically a roach. Sisler passes it to her, and as she’s taking a hit, this big black security guard grabs her and takes her away. Sisler and I started geeking out so hard! We literally were laughing for a solid minute. I kept saying, “Take the hit…then take the blame.” Oh my lanta that was too funny.

Check out this video I took (have no recollection of). It’s funny to see everyone’s drunk/baked faces. Just watch it…it’s pretty funny. I taped it when I was drunk so don't be judging my photography skills.
video

        We got another round of beers, and were pounding them. We had pulled off the perfect amount of booze. Don’t you hate when you go to a concert, or Summerfest, or some place else and you didn’t bring enough booze or enough weed? Well we brought the perfect amount to have us sippin and puffing allll night.

        Kanye ended the concert with Hey Mama off of his Late Registration album which is a heart-touching song. If you’ve never heard it, it’s basically about how rough his mom had it trying to make ends meet for Kanye when he was a kid and how he is so proud of her for doing everything she could for him, and that he was going to make sure to pay her back.

        The concert ended and I was out-of-my-mind drunk and oblivious. So was everyone else lol. There was a mad dash and a herd of people leaving Summerfest. We kept thinking…shit! We gotta get the fuck out of here! Little did we know, Summerfest didn’t end for another hour, but none of us retards thought to look at the time. We start pushing our way through the crowd and all of a sudden we run into Mr. and Mrs. Vaughan. Fuck ya! Woo! We get on a bus with them, and I pass the fuck out on the bus. Wake up, have no idea where we are, get in the car… pass out. Kyle said Mr. Vaughan was loving me, and Mrs. Vaughan was wondering how I got so drunk. I was drunk, but I was even more tired. And I have to get up at 5:30am tomorrow morning for work. Apparently Mrs. Vaughan asked me if I had called my mom or not, and I said, “I justweabawa…” and didn’t say anything else and fell back asleep. We get to Vaughans, go downstairs and I fell face first on the couch and was out like a fat kid playing dodgeball. Tarrence and Vaughan made a za…classic and had to eat it all. I woke up at 5:30am to my alarm clock on my phone going off. I look at my text messages, one from my mom at 3:00am, “Where are you?” Ooooo boy hopefully this isn’t bad. My mom is a worrier and she probably would call a fucking amber alert on me. I call her and she said she had to call the Vaughan’s house phone at 3:30am…woops. Ma baaadddd. She said she would come and pick me up. As I stumbled upstairs, I looked in the fridge, grabbed a cold piece of pizza and a Capri-sun and was technically ‘drunk munching’ because I was still drunk as a skunk. My head hurts, my eyes are saggin real low, I have very few working brain cells, and somehow I have to make it to Milwaukee and go to work. My mom picked me up, and I just though…well this workday should be interesting…




Friday, July 8, 2011

Day Rage/ Summerfest

Drunk Diary
Summerfest/ Dayge
Milwaukee, WI
July 2, 2011


        Bright lights are shining in my eyes, I’m sprawled all over my bed, I’m sweating. These curtains fucking suck!! It’s 8am and all I want to do is sleep in my bed, but I have the world’s dustiest shades that block maybe 10% of all sunlight coming through and I have 4 windows in my room, so I wake up to a fucking tanning bed everyday. I’m still drunk, stumbly, and sleepy from Friday’s Summerfest. My body feels like shit. Last night was my third consecutive night going to Summerfest and my body is paying the price. Both Thursday morning and Friday morning I had to wake up for work at 5:30am and I went to bed between 1:30 and 2:00am both nights. I walk over to my desk to find my wallet, take a look inside. Damn… no money…again. So far I’ve dropped $130 on Summerfest. Between bus tickets, and 6 beers a night, there goes your money. Oh well… it’s not about material things in life, it’s about the experiences you have, and I’ve had 3 great experiences… but only some I can remember. I walk into the main area of the basement to find the bazillionaire (aka Frump dogg aka Frumple-stilskin aka Mike), Jordan, and Tarrence sprawled out on the couches. They all wake up when I’m out there and we are just talking about the drunk moments we had the night before. All of a sudden I hear.. “What’s up bros!!” I turn around, only to stare straight into the eyes of Trevor Matthew Marks.

    “T-Marks? What’s up buddy? When did you get here?”
    “I passed out on your couch upstairs.”

        Tight. Tarrence was a little slow to wake up, but when he did, he starts yelling at Frump.

    “Frump…where is da bong?”
    “Oh. I took it back to my house.”
    “Why da fuck would you do dat? Go get it.” Tarrence gets crabby when doesn’t have his morning bowlski.

        T-marks needed a ride to the park-and-ride anyways so Frump, T-marks, and I hopped in my car and started driving. We are just chatting it up in the car and T-marks is looking at his text messages from last night.

    “So apparently I texted everyone in my phone last night this: ‘921 N. Evergreen Circle…RAGER.’”

        BTW…that’s my address. That would have been bad if 40 people showed up at 1am. I would have been hella pissed. I drop off T-marks and we head to Frump’s house to pick up ‘pink princess’. We pick it up and I call up Frank and Vaughan because they were supposed to stay at my house but they never made it there last night. Vaughan had some how gotten on the wrong bus…ended up at Gerke’s corner, which is 20 min away, and was stranded there. Frank and Colton Sweitzer picked him up in the wee hours of the morning. This was Jesse’s story (From his perspective):

    So we find Vaughan at the park-and-ride and he’s got the drunk eyes going. I yell at him to get it the car and his response is, “FUCK YOU FRANK! Where the fuck were you!” I tell him to get the fuck in the car, and he says that his mom, Mare Bear is coming to pick him up. I called up Mary like 3 times to tell her that Vaughan was ok and we would take him back home.

        They ended up at Bauer’s house so… Frump and I went over to Bauer’s house. We pick up the knob-shines and Brady comes with. “Hey man…could you give me a ride to the park and ride?”…fuck it. Get in. We go back to the park-and-ride and drop off Brady. I’m texting Lindsay and she is saying that we should go over to Phoebe’s lake and have a lake day. Fuck ya. It’s like 90 degrees out, the sun is shining, great summer day to go out. Well…should we drink?? I mean… I’m trying to recover from probably 10-15 cummulative hours of sleep from the past three nights, and I’ve been drinking every night…ok…let’s get wasted today. We go to the nearby Sentry Foods and Frank picks up some booze. A handle of Tequila, Rum, and a 30 rack of Beasts. Looks like it’s gonna be a good day.

        We head on back to my house, Close the curtains in the basement, get real stoned, and play some FIFA. Frank is antsy to get out and not act like shitheads, and I jump on board. Let’s do this shit! We toss on our swimsuits, get in the car and head on over to Phoebe’s lake.

        We get down to the dock and the lake looks fucking majestic. Nobody’s on the water, its calm and clear, we have a lot of booze, a lot of time, and we got bros and hoes. We get out on the lake, and we brought out the tequila and a gallon of orange juice with us. Taking pulls left and right, as Lindsay and Kelsey are out on the wave runner. Frank and I are like…lets fucking get on that wave runner. I love a good adrenaline rush and a wave runner is the perfect weapon. We wait patiently as all the girls go out and have their fun. Our method of coping with the wait was taking pulls to the dome with Vaughan up in the bow of the boat. When we finally get our turn, we jump in the water, snatch a life vest and hop on. Lindsay wants to come as well, so we let her on. I’m driving, and I am one helluva driver. I have a wave runner up at my lake house that I constantly push to its limits. We are going crazy on it, I’m doing donuts, whipping it, diving the nose, getting us really wet, and throwing us off. We were having a lot of fun but Lindsay said it was too much for her to handle, and she wanted to go back to the boat. We drop her off and then Frank and I get real crazy. Fucking LOVE wave runners. We go back to the boat and hand off the wave runner so somebody else. We get back in the boat and continue to do what we do best. Drink. We are all ready to go tubing now.

         We head back to the dock, pick up John’s tubes (Sorry John for stealing your shit), tie them up and head out. Lauren and Jeff go out first, and then it was Vaughan and my turn. We are out there and I’m jumping the wake and doing barrel rolls and whatnot. My first fall, I tried to jump Vaughan, my tube clipped his, and I went kerplunk. Vaughan fell the second time, and we went out for one more run. Phoebe is whipping us real hard one turn, Vaughan is holding on for dear life. His arms are fully extended, half his body is in the water, so I raise my foot, and give one swift kick to his tube. Annndddd boom goes the dynamite…down goes Fraiser. His tube flips sporadically and he’s boom roasted. I was geeking out… I felt bad but it was too funny to pass up.

        Both Vaughan and I get back to the boat and we are exhausted. My forearms are rock solid and tense from holding on while doing jumps, barrel rolls, and being whipped.

        Frank wants to go but there isn’t anyone that wants to go at the caliber level that we go at. Fuck it. I’ll go again. I hop back onto the tube trying to be a trooper so Frank can have a good time. Quickly after going, I realize that I cannot hold on. My arms hurt so bad that I cannot hold on. I was trying to stick it out as much as I could before having to straight up let go. After that workout out, my forearms and grip strength would be so great, I could squeeze cum from a rock. That strong. Abomb-1…Arnold Schwarzenegger– 0. Get at me you old fat governor.  




        I take Frank and Phoebe on a tube ride, and then take Lindsay and Phoebe on one. We head on back to the dock. We are pulling into the dock and we see on the patio a shit ton of people. Sweet baby bird! We can’t fit all those people into the boat. We go up and greet Russell and his gf, Joey and Abby, Angela and her bf, and 4 of Abby’s friends. I find Russ just chillin real hard in a chair, no shirt, sunglasses on, with a bottle of champagne in his hand. Boss status right there. Extra dry Andre champagne. You sir know how to party. I bet you could put that on a resume. ‘I drink extra dry champagne from the bottle.’ Boom…ur hired. No questions asked. Anddd no need for a drug test… if you’re that big of a boss, you definitely smoke weed.


















     

     
         Lindsay and I go out on the wave runner and take turns trying to whip each other off. We come back in and hand the wave runner off to Phoebe and Jskank and let them go out. I run up to my car to snag my Techno/Dance Party CD because…well… it’s the greatest CD on this side of the Mississippi. After some time J-retard-Frank and Phoebe come in. Phoebe is holding her forehead for some reason. When they get on shore, Phoebe’s got a big ‘ol goose egg in the middle of her forehead.
“What happened Phoebe, are you alright?!”
Jesse- “That was me. I was going 50 or so and turned sharply. We both flew off and she whacked her head against the back of mine.”

        Jesse turns to me… “I’m such an idiot. I literally thought I killed her. We went off and I landed on top of her and all I could think is…well…Phoebe is dead.”

        Phoebe always ends up getting hurt, whether it’s getting hit by a water bottle in the mouth on her b-day and having to go to the hospital, or getting kicked in the face and chipping a tooth while tubing, to winding up with a golf ball on her forehead from wave runner adventures. She was such a trooper though, didn’t complain one bit, and went on with her night. Not too many girls could do that. That’s why Febes is the shit. Luckily it tonight was Phil Vassar, so she could wear a cowboy hat to cover up her lump. 

         Since we couldn’t go out on the boat, Mista Clarence and I decided to make our own fun. Tarrence grabs a Red Stripe and Modelo and we find a paddle board. But where is the paddle? Don’t know…looks like I’m going to have to get innovative. I find a water ski and an old 2x4 piece of wood. Tarrence tested out the ski, it was too heavy, so we decided to use the wood. We are both straddling the board and I’m trying to paddle with a 2x4. Where is John when you need him?? John is part Chippewa, or Sioux, or Navajo… one of those I think, I mean… he’s been to Pottawattamie Casino before, so that should count as something. He could have carved up a solid oak paddle from a tree with the use of only an arrowhead. That Indian. We are trying to paddle with a beer in our hands. The board was not meant for two people. We are trying any way possible to get this bitch movin. We keep falling and stepping all over these muscle infested rocks. My foot afterwards looked like it was ran through a fucking cheese grater. Tarrence gets off and I am just a lone ranger on the board…just me, my modelo, a board, and piece of wood…what else could a man ask for. I go out and just chill in the middle of the lake drinking by myself. After some while we decide to clean up and leave because Russell’s, Joey’s, and Tyler’s siblings are having a combined high school grad party at Joey’s house…fucking free booze. You know we can’t pass that up.


 









  

     
        We head on back home, Frank picks up his money and ID and we head to the liquor store because Frank wants to buy Phoebe a bottle of Captain Morgan’s for his retard actions earlier. We are on our way back and I’m getting off the exit ramp. I stop at the stop sign and then I take off. I’m in my dad’s Infinity, which is a beast, and I love driving it fast. I put the pedal to the floor up a hill. I’m going probably 80 when over the top of the hill a cop passes by…immedietly tosses his lights on, flips a bitch, and starts chasing me. As soon as I saw those cherries and berries, I floored it. Going super fast, I turn into a nearby neighbor hood, see that it’s a dead end, quickly pull into a driveway, but within 10 seconds there was the cop screeching his tires to a stop. I’m just like…fuck. First thing I hear is… “Get out of the car.” Ok well this shall be interesting. I have no shirt on, board shorts on, with 2 other bros in the car, we just came back from the liquor store, I was speeding well over ‘wreckless driving speeds’, tried to evade police, I was drinking earlier, and I’m trespassing in somebody else’s driveway. The cop was really nice though, I acted straight as an arrow, was very compliant and after 20 minutes of deliberation with another squad car, he let me go with an ‘imprudent speeding’ ticket. Not fucking bad. I wasn’t drunk by any means… I know when I’m drunk… not saying that it wasn’t a dumb fucking idea in the first place, but it’s good to have the liver of a 40 year-old German who drinks a case of Guinness a day. I sober up pretty quickly is what I’m trying to say here. Well, won’t be doing that again, that was too close. I remember when I was waiting in the car, I looked over at Vaughan and he just had the Chinese drunk eyes going on… I was like, “this can’t be good”

        We clean up back at my house, and head on over to Joey’s. We walk through the golf course and it’s a beautiful evening. We get to Joey’s, grab a beer, say hi to everyone, and grab some grub. I frumpin love BBQ pulled pork. Save me a piieecce of dat Corn! All the girls show up and we head on back to my house to get sufficiently drunk and whatnot. About 8 of us hop into Lindsay’s convertible and drive to my house. We drink, drink more, and… probably drink a little more. We pile into my mom’s van and head on to the busses. We stop a gas station to get 5-hour energies; because Summerfest day #4 in a row can do some work on ya, especially since I was Daging (that’s Day Raging for those of you who have never taken a hamster pull from a 1.75 of Kesslers)

        We get on the bus, head on down to Sfest, sing songs on the bus ride down, and take pulls on pulls on pulls. The bus ride is the most under-appreciated part of Summerfest. When you get a good group to go down, you can have a lot of fun in 30 minutes. You can also get wickedly drunk as well. We always start singing songs to get the whole bus involved. It’s awesome…we’re awesome.

        We get down to sfest and I’m not feeling up-to par on my drinking abilities. I believe that is due to the ratio of how much alcohol I’ve consumed to the amount of sleep I have gotten over the past 4 days. Probably 40+ drinks: 15 hours of sleep. Recipe for disaster. We lose everybody right away…typical, so Tommy, Kate, Lindsay, and I head to Phil Vassar. We couldn’t get great seats, and we were trying to get VIP, but no luck. We run into B-rad , and he has hookups up the shitter. He says he can get us up on the Captain’s Deck where there is basically free beer. We say: sounds like a frumpin plan, and head over there. We get these wrist bands that had 3 ‘free beer or wine cooler’ tabs on it. We find a table with some playing cards on it, grab some beers, and just chill. B-rad says he has to go meet up with other people, and hands us a mound of free drink tabs. Wo. We didn’t have to pay for a single drink that entire night. We just sat there, chit chatted, played cards, with Stephen Marley playing in the background. Chill. Just chillin hard listening to Stephen play his father’s songs with the moonlight in the background. Tommy, Kate, Frump, and I go to the rocks to smoke a little snackaroo. After that I was at a really good state of mind.

        We go back to the busses and head on home. The line of course was super fucking long and it took forever. Tommy’s dad drove us back to my house where we all were staying. I walk into the kitchen to find my cousin on the floor with no pants on. ‘NOAH! What the fuck is up?” He was stumbling all over the place, just wasted…probably off 5 shots, ahhh rookies. It was getting late and all of a sudden there were like 30 people at my house. I hate when this shit happens. I invite people over, then it’s a fucking free-for-all and people just invite more people without telling me. I probably wouldn’t mind, I would just like to be informed. Keep that in mind you benders reading this. The rest of the night I was trying to kick people out and tell them to leave, because I was tired as fuck and did not want to babysit for everyone all fucking night. I went to bed, and in the morning, Tommy said that he kicked out a bunch of people during the night. Thanks Tum Bum… much appreciated, I’ll have to pay you back with a nice bowlski.

        I lay in bed, my eyes are sluggish, my body aches, and I have a headache. That’s about as much of a beating I can put my body through. 4 consecutive days of drinking, with a day rage in the midst of it. Nice work body, get a good recovery tomorrow, but don’t get too comfortable… because the day after is the 4th of July, and if I don’t have a beer or a mixer in my hand…I’m not a true American. AMERICA….FUCK YA!

Lights out.
              

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Jimmy Buffet: Margaritaville



Jimmy Buffet: Margaritaville
June 25th, 2011
Alpine Valley


        Saturday morning. Look outside, and it’s gorgeous out. So sunny, so hot, not a cloud in the sky. I was nervous, because the week before, it was raining and 60 out every day. I get out some eggs and bread, and make myself a bomb-ass breakfast. I was this close to taking a picture of my eggs, they were fucking majestic. (props to Sisler for teaching me his ways) I sit down and realize I don’t have anything to drink, so I head on over to the fridge and grab an ice cold Blue Moon. Do I dare? Fuck ya, lets do this shit. There’s only one thing to say in these situations…Buffet. Pop the top, and a crisp sound comes off as the carbonated water vapor smokes out of the top. Cut up an orange slice and toss it in there. Oh my lanta, it’s so delicious…favorite beer of all time. I sit down and have my own version of kegs and eggs as I watch Sportscenter.

        I shower up after the girls and as I’m just getting out, none other than Jimbo ‘Bnasty aka Big Germ’ Bernatz greets me. Ok, ok ok… now we go. Lets do this shit. We are packing the car with booze, food, booze, hula skirts, bag toss, booze, and… one lawn chair. Jim brought a 30 rack of Old Milwaukee. This is some hick-ass beer, these Buffet fans are gonna eat this shit up. Nice work Germ. We round up Phoebe and Lindsay and hit the road. I grab a road beer to make sure I can get a head start. We are in Lindsay’s convertible with the top down, and having a bottled beer is kind of sketchy. Whatever, im ballin. We stop at the grocery store to get a cooler and some ice. Jim and I go in there, and he has a coconut bra on, sexy. We get limes, a cooler, and just head to the cashier to pay for the ice. Jim is getting complimented on his bra and we are seeing other Buffeteers all over the place. (What is the Jimmy Buffet version of a ‘Taylor’??) We pay for a small bag of ice and then when we go to pick it up, we decide to take a big bag. Wow we are SO fucking rebellious, fuckin love stickin it to the man lol. We get back in the car and head on over to Alpine Valley. We meet up with Bri’s brother and his crew on the side of the road, and caravan to Alpine. We get harassed by a couple of bitch workers because we didn’t have a parking pass, fuck youuuuu (Fogul voice). We get preferred parking and we are real close to the entrance. Look down at my phone as we park the car. 11:15. What time does the concert start again?....8:00?? Ok this should be interesting.


        We get out of the car, Jim and I immediately take our shirts off and lube up with some suntan lotion. We bust out the margarita mix and some Pepe Lopez Tequilla. If you read my PCB drunk diary, you would know about my history with Senor Lopez. Make a solid margarita on the rocks, and then we introduce ourselves to everyone in Brandon’s crew There were 11 of them, mostly the Magills. I am meeting one of brandon’s good friends.

    “Hey nice to meet you, I’m Alex”
    “Hey, I’m Jim”
    “Really? Looks like we have two Jims”
    “Well you can call me James, Jim, Lamb…whatever”

        Wait… Lamb? Like a sheep lamb? Yep, like a sheep lamb. His name is lamb, or lammylamb, whatever works. Jim and I challenge Lamb and Brandon to a game of bag toss. We are smokin’ their asses 19-0, and somehow they end up coming back and beating us. Fuckin scrub status right there. Lamb and Brandon challenge the girls, while me and Jimbo toss around the ol’ frisbee. Just a couple of bros with no shirts on, throwing a Frisbee around at a Jimmy Buffet concert. NBD. I finish the last of my drink…need another one. We sit and drink, play games, chitchat with our neighbors and watch as the rest of the Buffet army fills up Alpine Valley. Look down at my phone. 12:05… wowzas. We watch people around us setting up their tailgate. Hooollly santa clause shit. These people to HAM - Buffet style. People were busting out tables and grills, homemade bars, decorations, the whole shhhebang. People even brought tablecloths, like who the fuck actually remembers to bring a tablecloth. Old people. I swear they must have been preparing for this concert for months. A few rows behind us, someone brought a gigantic inflatable cheese-head snowman. The thing was the size of an SUV, like who would want to put in the effort to do that, and then have to take it down….old people. They fuckin love that shit.

        We bust out the burgers and start making some grub. I’m going to need a solid base in me before I get wasted. We are conversing with everyone and Brandon and they are telling us that we HAVE to walk around. What could be so special about that? I bet people are just sitting and drinking to themselves. Do they really want fuckin lingerers trying to get their booze and food? Fuckin lingggerrerrss man. (Waller, you know what I’m talking about) My thought about that will be forever changed.

        After we get done eating, we sit around, drink more…obvi, and play games. We take a couple group shots, I toast my shot to Dexter, can’t fuckin wait for season 6. The Magills announce that we are going to go walk around. Brandon has a rolling cooler, so we toss a shit-ton of Old Milwaukee (I put it in italics because I feel like its more authentic and classy) in the cooler. We snag a couple of cozies and start walking. We are walking down the road between all the cars, and I see a whole crowd of people circled around something. ‘What is going on over there?? Fight? Free booze? Free food? The answer…none of the above. I find a viewing window through the heads and shoulders of the people and the first thing I see is this big-ol bitch licking whip cream off her tits. She has to be 60 years old, with these big saggy-ass tits. Ahhh that's grody. Just what I wanted to see. I just shrug my shoulders…Buffet.

        We keep on walking, there are games going on everywhere and we find this one game where you sit on a skim board that is on an axis in the middle, so they spin you and whatever color the skim board faces is the color booze that you get poured into your mouth. The old people just want to attract people and give away all their booze. Phoebe and Lindsay go on, and then Brandon and lamb go on together. We are watching Brandon and Lamb go, and then WACK!! I turn and Lindsay is holding her face, “What the fuck just happened?” Some chadbro comes over and starts apologizing for throwing a frisbee at Lindsay’s face. Why are you throwing a frisbee in a crowd of people? Do you have the IQ of a grape? She put her contact back in, laughed it off and moved on. She was being a trooper for taking that hit, but at least now she’s got a pretty badass black eye now...rebel.

        We walk to the next group of people which has a limbo going on and they are using bras strung together as the limbo stick. The girls do that as me and Jim dance with an old lady. We keep walking and come across this homemade bar that these two guys were chillin at. The one dude looked like he was straight out of Swamp loggers or Axe men. The start talking to Lindsay and Phoebe, “Show us yer tits and we’ll give yall a shot.” They both weren’t feelin it but I was chumming with the guy next to me, “I can show my tits, I don’t even have a shirt on. Could I just whip my junk out to get a shot?”
logger-“Nope. Doesn’t work that way buddy.” – One of the few disadvantages of being a guy.

        We keep on walking, and Jim and I are pounding Old Milwaukees. Just something about being outside with no shirt on, people watching, makes you want to put a cold beer down your throat. Walk, walk, walk until we see something that attracts us. There is a bunch of people around this spinning wheel that has the options of, “Show your tits, take a shot, or crowd’s choice.” Phoebe and Lindsay go up there hoping they are going to get some free booze. They spin the wheel…crowd choice. What would a bunch of horny old men want to see two young college girls do?? Hmm… tough one. Lindsay really didn’t want to show her tits, but Phoebe was all for it. 1..2..3. Wooo! A bunch of old men hoot and holler and Phoebe gives them a show. One guy next to Jim has his arms crossed and very casually says, “Hmm very orb-like. Nice.” He must be some sort of tit expert.

        To the yellow lot we go. We are stopped by a group of people playing flip cup. Jim and I try to get in on this game, but we have penises, so we are automatically not welcome. Watching the girls play flip cup, we pound more beer. I’m getting pretty shwasted by this time. After flip cup, we found these group of guys who were giving out Jello shots…and they actually handed one to me and Jim. Nice! Down the hatch. As we are walking around we are dancing and drinking with so many people. I had an epiphany: Old people fucking love us. That is it. We are college students who love to get fucked up and they want to reminisce from when they were in school, and want to show us how they ‘partied’ back in the day. I was thinking about it…what type of people go see a Jimmy Buffet concert. 1. people who like to drink 2. people who like to party 3. old people 4. people who like to smoke weed. I love doing all of those things, except doing old people, not really my thang.

        We hear some loud music playing in the distance, and it’s not Margaritaville, but techno and rap. We definitely should go over there. We find where this music is coming from, and it’s just a couple of bros with huge speakers, and 30 empty parking spaces for a dance floor. Lets stay and dance a little. We started dancing, and the music kept on rolling. There was one guy behind the ‘DJ booth’ if you will, and I was yelling at him… “Fucking Ice Cream Paint Job!” I turn to Jim. “Jim, how do you spell Dourough??” We both got a laugh out of that…classic. We are raging hard. Like real hard. More and more people are showing up which amplifies the intensity. I see out of the corner of my eye a dude dancing with a plastic horse mask on. My jaw drops. “Harry! Half man half horse boy… now that’s more of what I was looking for!” (Vaughaner- I know you’ll get that one- dumb and dumberer). I go over and dance around him, he’s not saying a word, I’m not saying a word, we just know that we are on the same page. I’m basking in the glory of his horse mask, and he is flaunting his mane. I’m spring dancing around him just staring at the mask thinking of how badly I want that horse mask. After about 10 minutes of dancing with seabiscuit, I look for something else. WWBD? What Would Bauer Do? He’d get that bow and arrow out, stalk his prey and go in for the kill of a nice 250lb hog. I find this real fine piece of ace, she’s a red head, about 210, skin whiter than a ghost. Prime. I stare her down and start dancing with her. She’s really dishin it to me and I’m taking it like a champ. I’m in the middle of a sandwich between Lindsay and Pumbaa (from lion king) just livin it up. Everytime Jim had a beer in his hand, Lindsay would snatch it, open it up, and soak everyone with beer. I keep dancing with the hog and she keeps staring at Lindsay like she was mentally asking permission if she could take me into the ladies bathroom of a Steak n’ Shake and rip me to shreds.



        After a good hour, we decide to give our rotators and calves a break from fist pumpin and jumping up and down. On our way back we meet some people who give us sringe shots and pudding shots. The sringe shots were gigantic and I squeezed it all in my mouth and I got a mouthful of slippery jello booze. Cough. The pudding shots, I was a little skeptical of but once I we tasted them, they were unbelievable. They kept giving us more, so we kept taking. Again...old people fucking worship us. The row ahead of our cars were taking beer bongs from an octabong so we all got our chance to get in there and get a beer bong or two in.

        Back to home base we head to re-up on liquor and food. Look down at my phone. 5:00, holy duck fuck, this can’t be. I fill up my cup with a little Red Bull and Vodka which is a refreshing taste after six hours of margaritas and beer. I was not getting tired of drinking at all. I have a problem. Once I start drinking, I just want to skip the buzz stage and go straight to wasted. We fry up some more burgers and some green beans (good call to bring those Linds) and keep drinking. An hour or two go by and we are prepping to go to the concert. I am looking for my ticket, Phoebe took mine and said she gave it back to me. I literally am searching the car for an hour and I can’t find it. I’m piss drunk and I always do this. I’ll either put something somewhere and not be able to find it, (like misplacing my weed, thinking someone stole it, and punching a 2’x1’ hole in the wall) or I will just straight up lose shit. When I am drunk, I tend to get violent, and angry quickly. I think my whole house in Madison knows that from previous experiences. I’m getting so pissed off that I can’t find my ticket, I need to let out my aggression. I am punching Lindsay’s seats as hard as I can…just giving this passenger’s seat an ass whoopin. I was just going HAM on that convertible. (Sorry Linds, Btw) I’m searching and searching and searching and I can’t find it. I look under the car. I just reach my hand out and skim across the grass hoping I will find this ticket. All of a sudden under the wheel well I feel a envelope. Shut the frump up!! (Sorry for such harsh words) I’m so relieved, but still so pissed off, I can’t just flip a switch from wanting to kill something to happy as dog with two dicks at a bitch fest. I snatch the bottle of Pepe Lopez, tilt it straight up and pound that shit for a good 5 seconds. Ok killer, easy down.

        Now that everyone has a ticket, we decide to go into the concert. We get in fine and I head to the beer line with LammyLamb. It takes 10 minutes to get through, each beer is 13 fucking bones, but I wanted to buy beers for having a temper tantrum on Lindsay’s cruiser. I get up there hand the guy my fake, he gives me 2 beers, I hand him my credit card and he says ‘we only accept cash.’ Well what the fuck!! This is bullshit. I don’t have any money…all my money is on this little plastic thing. Alright fuck it. Lets just get to a spot. We go about halfway down the hill and find a spot. About 3 minutes later, I see some familiar faces… “Hummell?? Shut the fuck up, how the fuck did we find eachother?” she was with Gilly and some other girls. What a small world. Probably 50,000+ people at this concert, and somehow…out of the entire lawn area Kelly walks right in front of us. Crazy shit right there marokey.

        We watch the concert, Phoebe and Lindsay go to the bathroom and only Lindsay returns. Jim is on the verge of passing out standing up…classic jimbo. The concert was actually awesome, I didn’t know many words but it was still a lot of fun. We stay until the encore and then we decide to leave. I hope we can find Phoebe, we don’t want another Charlie Seitz incident at Alpine Valley. We are walking back to the car and in passenger seat sits Phoebe just chillin like a cucumber. She apparently couldn’t find us, so she just went to the car and chilled there. The Thompsons and Magills had already left by the time we got to the car. We throw the top down and people are everywhere swarmed around the car like bees. I’m thinking to myself… “we were one of the first people in, that means we’re going to be one of the last people out of here.” Get ready for a 3 hour wait. Well this is going to suck.

        Out of the blue, some guy just yells at us, “You should take a left!” Lindsay pulls a loosy larry and we find this back path. We follow a couple of cars and literally in 5 minutes we are already out of Alpine Valley. That couldn’t have gone any better. We jam out on the way home and we get back to whitewater in no time. I look at my phone. 11:50. Wow, that’s incredible. We are pulling into Lindsay’s parking spot and Phoebe says, “Is that Kaarina?” What? Why and how would Kaarina be in Whitewater? Lindsay- “That’s definitely Kaarina.” Sure enough… Kaarina comes running over to our car asking how the concert was. We go upstairs to Lindsay’s place and chill there for a little bit. Kaarina and Sarah convince us to go downstairs to a party. I am so tired and drunk, all I want to do is sleep. Fuck it. Lets go. We head downstairs and there is maybe 10 people in there, 8 of them were bros. I didn’t give a fuck. Lets play flip cup. We play flip cup, blast music, drink, you know…usual party stuff. Some girl comes up to me and tells me that some dude tried to pass out in her bed and is now sleeping in the guest bedroom. ‘Was he a six foot drunk-ass blonde german? Does he have a yellow shirt on?’….yep….ahh i knew it.Jim. Germ always passes out in peculiar spots. Just don’t piss the guest bed. We leave and I find Kaarina and Lindsay having a UFC fighting match out on the lawn. After the match ends in Lindsay’s dress being ripped, we head upstairs.

         Lindsay, Phoebe, and I head into Lindsay’s room since her roommate was occupying the living room. I bust out the greenery. We blaze up, I start texting John from Phoebes phone and Lindsay brings in some ‘munchies’. Well munchies to a girl are much different than they are to a guy. Lindsay is having a salad and Phoebe and I are munch out on peanut butter and pretzels. I would have loved to have a za or some dank ass fruit snacks, but whatevs. Phoebe got too blazed and passed out on Lindsay’s bed. I climb on the couch and lay there. It feels so good to be off my feet; we’ve been on them since 11am this morning. As soon as I turn the switch to go to sleep, I think to myself, “Am I going to have to write a diary about this?? Probably.. All I know is I’m going to Buffet every year for the rest of my life.”