PANAMA CITY BEACH
Spring Break 2011
Date: March 14
Wake up drunk go to sleep fucked up!! 10am just rolled around and the sun is shining through the curtains. Ohh man, I can feel its gonna be a good day. Our room so fucking big it made the trip awesome. We had so much room to do activities!! Everyone wakes up around the same time and Jesse and Kyle are ready to go. Jesse, aka chad brochocinco, has already got his attire on for the day and is doing pushups to young, wild and free. Me, sissy mayne, and Kais daddy are still a little rough from the night before, so we get some medicine to help us out...medicinal that is. (so clever) I go to the BFW to pick up some shit…I can’t remember what, I went that Walmart more times than my own room for shits sake. They tell me that when I get back that I should just go to the 2024….I don’t know who’s room to call it, there were 20 people living there. I am trying to be quick about getting my crap at the BFW, but it’s the south, and everyone here is legally retarded. It takes forrrreeever to get through the line and by the time I get up to the 2024 mostly everyone has already went to the beach. Great. When I get up there, it’s just Jordan, Chris, Katie Carr, Davis, and Mussie. I look at Jordan…he looks at me…my eyes are all towlie, and his eyes are redder than the devil’s dick. Yep, we were on the same level. Chris was in one of those modes where he was saying the most outlandish shit. Jordan and I were sitting behind the kitchen island just listening to the crude remarks he was saying to Katie; we would be geeking out at everything he said.
Katie Carr: “ *blank* (name, don’t want to offend) has been getting on my nerves… she is….”
Before she could finish her sentence, Chris interrupts with: “Did you tell her she was FAT!!??”
I’m not sure if that seems funny to the reader, but if you can just picture Baby C blurting this out…you’ll know why I’m laughing. Somehow Jordan and I get into this conversation:
Me: “Dude, mixed drinks are such a pain on the beach.”
Jordan: “I knowww!!! You’re always losing your drink, it gets warm after a while, and when your done, you have to go back up to the room to make another one.”
Me: “That’s why beer is so awesome!! You can set it down…you can pick it back up, if you lose it you can grab another one, you can shotgun them or do beer bongs!”
Jordan was so on my level… “I Know!!! That’s why I love….”
Before he could finish his sentence, Baby C chimes in. Just picture Chris saying this in his sassy sarcastic voice: “YEAHH!!!! KEYSTONES!!! They’re the best!! You know what the best thing about keystones is… you can shotgun them!! Or even set ‘em down!!”
For the rest of the trip, Jordan and I wouldn’t hear the end of that. So we all head on down to the beach to meet up with the rest of the crew. Jordan brought his dad’s cooler from his college days and it was quite the cooler…I’ll tell you why later. We are crossing the street and there are some hood rats hangin’ out their windows hollering at chicky babes on the side of the street. They were in a murdered out, window tinted, I don’t wanna mess with these guys kind of car. As they are passing, Davis yells out “Taylor gang or die”
The hood rat in the back seat looks at Davis and yells, “HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” Wooo, that was borderline scary. If the I hear any sound remotely close to a gun, I’m hittin’ the deck.
We meet up with them but Jskank and Von are already gone doing some biddy hunting. We set down the cooler and open it up… Holy Santa Clause shit, a filled-to-the-brim cooler with ice-cold keystone light, a college bros haven. John, Jordan, Tyler M, and I each grab a stone and are antsy to shotgun. But wait, how do we open it…no one brought their keys to the beach, there’s nothing sharp around, well so much for the shotguning I guess. (John Voice) Wait……….Jordan reaches towards the cooler and pulls up a rusty bottle opener attached to the cooler by some fraying twine. It was like the key to my beer. The perfect utensil for the casual shotgunner. We all pry open our desired holes and before you can say, listos… preperados…YA! the whole beer is gone. Probably not the healthiest thing, taking 12 fl oz. of beer straight to the dome in less than five seconds. But hey, it’s PCB, fuck it. There are only so many shotguns you can do, 6 to be exact, before you get bored and want to do something else. I got my drunk buzz going and we were looking to play some beach volleyball, only there were people playing on the court and they weren’t leaving anytime soon… fuckers.
So naturally we gather a crew of people and head on down to la vela, where it’s always bumpin’. I think it was Jordan, John, Febes, Bri, Jim, Davis, and me that wondered over there. We’re walking down the beach and Jordan tells me that there has been multiple people that has labeled Bri and Febe as the “Ass Girls” haha.
Rando, “Yo, are you with the ass girls??”
Jordan: “Huh? Ass girls?”
Rando: “Ya those two girls with the nice asses, you with them??”
Jordan: “Bri and Febe?? Haha, Ass Girls… yes I’m with the ass girls”
There were many kiosks and stands along the way promoting products to young college students like Geico and Plan B (typical). I don’t know who it was but, Jordan and I ended up wearing these Geico wicker Jason Mraz type hats around the rest of the day. We got to La Vela, set down the cooler and marked our spot. Well it didn’t take long before people started moving around and whatnot and soon enough we wanted to move again. I was piss drunk by this time, and I literally needed to piss because I was so drunk. So I have the great idea of taking the cooler with me into the ocean as I pissed. Genius Abomb, genius. I drag the cooler into the ocean over waves and get to about rib-cage high deep in water, open up the cooler, and crack open a stone. I’m facing the beach with a beer in my right hand and my left arm resting on a floating cooler in the ocean, it’s safe to say I was the fucking man. People were giving me shout outs and I would just casually raise my beer and give them a nod to confirm that I was fucking awesome. After I finished my brew-haha I wandered back up to shore and brought the cooler back up to where everyone else was. Jordan and I grabbed a beer and started prowling. We mingled for a couple hours; I couldn’t tell you who we met or what we said, I was a grayed out if not on the brim of blackout. We went to the La Vela stage, which was a nightmare for your feet. Beer cans everywhere and I ended up with a nice half inch cut on the bottom of my foot, fml.
Jordan and I ended up trying to find the rest of the crew, we found Phoebe and Bri, but we couldn’t find the cooler. A single tear came down Jordans face… jk, but for realzies, that sucked that we couldn’t find the cooler. Whatever you brought to the beach in the morning, there was a 90% that you wouldn’t have it by the end of the day. There were 2 reasons for that: a. you’re a shitbaby, you got above a 0.02 BAC and left it God-knows-where or b. it was stolen by some low-life. We ended up walking back to the spot by our hotel but nobody was there, so we went upstairs to take a nappy.
I walk into our room and hear our shower running. I go into the bathroom and I am greated by drunk Jesse and blackout Vaughan… naked. Typical. So I decide to join in on the fun, and turn on the Jacuzzi while the other two are soaping up eachothers asses in the shower. We had the music bumpin; Kyle was like a naked money climbing up the walls and on the counter to the beat of the music. When Vaughan gets in a drunken rage, it’s awesome, you couldn’t pay money for that type of entertainment. One of his best blackout moments was when he poured our whole Brita filter all over the linoleum kitchen floor, got butt-ass naked, and was sliding around on his stomach like a fuckin’ slip n’ slide. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. No homo.
We get out of the shower and Jacuzzi and its nappy time. All that time in the sun while you are dehydrating the shit out of yourself with the booze can make you very tired. Partying my dick off is a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. I hit the sheets and am gone pretty quick.
I wake up, it’s dark out and the nightlife has begun. We bust out the greenery and start rippin’ bowls; now my headache has gone away and I’m ready to rage. Head over to the freezer and bust out my buddy, I hate him, but I love him. Pepe, give me your worst. He’s so delicious but he sneaks up on me and rocks me in the face with a blackout… he’s really good at it too.
We get ready for the night and casually drink as we are getting dressed. People from the 2024 start showing up at our place and somehow it ends up that everyone is drinking in our room for some reason. Within an hour of pre-gaming Henk-star is already #passedOut on our bed. The problem with Henk-star is… he just parties too hard, and I didn’t think it was possible to party to hard. The kid just loves going HAM. And you know exactly when he is in Henk-star mode. Picture henkel: glassy, barely-open eyes with that happy stupid smerk on his face and the velociraptor arms going and usually is hunched over.
We drink until everyone is sufficiently drunk. It’s kinda sad what we do. We want to save money at the bars and clubs by getting extremely drunk before, that way we don’t have to buy drinks at the bar, or just buy 1 or 2. How does this scenario usually end? Hmmm, well at least for all of my roommates, we end up being blackout drunk at the bar and buy shots, mixers, and beer for everyone around us and wake up in the morning with an empty wallet and a bank statement with $30 tab at Johnny O’s. Typical. Usually, what goes through my head when I’m at the bar is only two words… “Fuck it”. Bad alex, bad.
Just like day 1, day 2 ended up in the same way. I end up blacking out before we even leave, and I passed out while everyone is at the club. Fucking idiot. I wake up from my sleep and my blackout and I just yelled, “Not againnn!!!” I was hella pissed.
The next know, Jesse walks through the door and tells me he has some bad news. Ohh shit, did someone get arrested? In a fight? Detox? The answer is none of the above. He pulls out his phone, aka the Samsung Propel (which is a texting machine might I add) that I gave him to replace his iPhone, and the LCD in the screen is completely white with cracks running through it. R.I.P. the Samsung Propel, she was good to me… and Jesse. He told me that him and Jordan were walking to the club and he was doing phone tricks with it, and I’m sure you can guess what happened next.
Some how it ends up being Tyler, Kaiser, Slam-patti, and me just drinking around the kitchen island. All of a sudden this Jamaican guy named Waukee, who works for the hotel, walks into our room and starts picking up our garbage for us. Naturally, we offer him a shot. I was expecting him to decline, but he took it straight to the dome with no chase. He was trying to play it cool but he was fighting to keep it down. We poured him a to-the-brim shot of the “premium vodka”. It only cost $12 for a 1.75L so it was pretty shitty… no, I’ve mistaken, really shitty. Next question for Waukee, do you want to smoke?? Ok, he will take a shot but there’s no way he is going to get baked with us while he’s working. Wrong again. We pack a bowl of some fine shrubbery and we sit around the coffee table and start lightin up. We started talking to Waukee and asked him about Jamaica and other shit. He seemed like a chill dude and at one point I remember him saying, “damn, this some good weed.” Yep. He was right. We don’t smoke that ditch weed like you in Jamaica, this is some high quality shit bro.
We polished off that bowl and Waukee had to leave because his boss was wondering what was taking him so long, but the rest of us weren’t finished. So we decided to…pack another one, or two. Result: really, really blazed. As Sisler would say: ‘If you were on a kite that could fly as high as a hot air balloon, being pulled by a space shuttle, then you’d be as high as me.’ We got sam patti high as shit, it was awesome. She had to wear sunglasses so none of us could see her eyes. It was such a great circle, I don’t remember what was said, probably nothing important or intelligent, but I do remember me smiling 40% of the time and laughing the other 60% of the time.
It’s really late now but Kyle, Sisler, and I decide were not done. Kyle saw a pool on top of the parking structure that was on the opposite side of the hotel. Do we dare? Yes. We throw on our swim suits, grab a red cup, fill it with mixers, grab a tin and head over to the pool. We had to sneak into it because we weren’t supposed to be in there #badassssss. There were probably 8 other people that were already in the hot tub. We get in and start chummin’ with the other people. We meet this one hick-ass, I fuck my sister, guy who worked at the local Waffle House. He was bragging about how he was the head chef at the Waffle House and he claimed to make de best pancakes and waffles ever. Wow… you sir, are going places. I kept asking him questions about his food, “How fucking delicious are your omelets? I bet you make a mean omelet.”
Hick: “De best, you can’t get’um any place better.”
We ended up leaving the hot tub after a while and we headed back up to the room to everyone passed out. I look on the counter and see Pepe staring deeply into my eyes. He had a mere 2 shots left, so I throw them down and then I never saw my Pepe again. Pepe 1, Abomb 0. It was a good battle but Pepe always got the best of me. We turn off all the lights in the hotel, and my eyes start to sink. I crawl into a gigantic king-size bed and I am so happy to be going to sleep. I shut my eyes and prepare for day #3.