MDP: Mary “MareBear” Vaughan
October 17, 2009
My eyelids are sealed shut and I wake up to Luke on his computer Facebooking it up. I’m fully clothed on Waller and Luke’s futon. Btw, very comfy…props Waller/Sisler. I look up at the clock. 9:47…. “FUCKKKKK!!! Wake up Waller we need to start drinking STAT!!!”
Waller “That won’t be hard, we’re still drunk from last night.”
Touché Waller, valid point. I walk home and get ready for the game. I don’t have a ticket so I grab some money and hopefully find a ticket for really cheap. I’m jamming out a little MJ, Billie Jean, by myself getting ready for the game. I’m getting jacked up, so I decide to take a double shot of gin. Wowzas that was a shitty idea. The dry gin, goes down my throat, trying to burn a hole in my esophagus, hits my stomach with no food in it whatsoever and immediately takes effect. I get a call from Kaiser that everyone is over on breeze street. Fuck. Breeze Street? Wat the eff? I meet Waller and Sizzle tits and we walk over Breeze Street. The only alcohol we have is the Tanquerey. We walk past camp Randall to Breeze Street, and on our way and there is a Velveeta Cheese stand. They’re giving out free samples. Hell YA we should get some road cheese! I walk up and I get a sample of three chips with Velveeta cheese on it. Now that I have a solid breakfast in me, I can really start the drinking. We meet everyone at the party and start taking pulls of gin while chasing it down with some ice-cold beer. No good, but it does the job. Everyone wants to go to the game, and Jesse and I don’t have tickets. Not about to waste $70 on a ticket that I probably wasn’t going to watch. The opportunity cost is way too much. Props to econ for that one, thanks professor Kelly.
Me and Frank walk over to the Memorial Union where Jim, Mike, Sarah, Shane, Sam Mosey, and of course…Bryce are. We all walk into the Union where everyone is and we don’t hesitate to grab the pitcher and pour. Let me remind you that basically all of them work there and so they just go behind the counter and fill up a pitcher for free. At the end of the day, I think we had 12 pitchers of free, quality beer. Personally, the cheaper the beer, the better it is. I was sitting there with some Oktoberfest beer, thinking to myself, “wow you know what would be better than this…an ice cold Keystone light.” I’ve never drank socially before so this was a first for me. Usually when someone hands me a beer, the only techniques of drinking this beer are: A. Saukville Slam or B. Shotgun.
We watch the game and depressingly watch the Badgers lose their second straight loss. Scott Tolzein never did, nor ever will have a horse cock when he plays like that. I drink a couple pint-sized glasses of beer so I am pretty liquored up. We start walking back towards home but Mike has to take Jim to the liquor store so Jesse, Mosey, and me walk back towards Mike’s house. Mosey needs to get his phone out of his car so we have to walk a country mile to the parking structure. Instead of walking, Mosey decides to run to the parking structure. Along the way he is yelling phrases to random passing pedestrians, “I’m black, I run a fucking fast 100.” We get to the parking structure; Jesse and I decide to walk while Mosey continues to run. We walk up three stories or so when Jesse thinks he found a shortcut. He runs off and I don’t feel like running. Within 30 seconds, Jesse is nowhere to be found and I’m by myself. I have to piss really bad so I find a nice corner and an Iowa license plated car and decide that his door is a nice toilet to pee on. I call Jesse and reconnect with Mosey and Jesse and we drop off Mosey at Mike’s house. Jesse and me walk back to Ogg and on our way we see a couple with Oklahoma Sooner’s jerseys on. What the fuck?
Jesse doesn’t hesitate to tell them “This isn’t Oklahoma nor who Oklahoma played today.”
Lady “Learn you’re fucking sporting events.”
Jesse “Whatever Bitch”
We head back to Ogg where Kyle, Mike, Dan, Danielle, and Victor are. They ripped a few bowls and Mike was high as shit. “Mike what’s that on you head, it looks like a tumor.” There is a bulge sticking out of his head underneath his headband. “It’s my jewel.” What the hell? A jewel? I look underneath his headband, and there is a cough drop on his head. Only Mike would think it was a jewel. He insists on leaving it there. We’re all just chillin there for an hour or so when Kyle says that his parents are over by Camp Randall. Waller didn’t want to go so he stayed and slept. Kyle, Jesse, Mike, and I walk over to Regent and Randall. We see Mare bear in the outside bar so we go in and greet her. “Is this metro mike?” HAHAHA this is mike’s official name to the Vaughans. Mike is still very ripped and mumbles to himself, “that’s not my real name, its Michael.” Watever Metro, that’s not your name. Ty Vaughan is socializing with others as usual. “Dad!” Ty walks over with a fatty cigar in his mouth. He looks at us and greets us, then he gets to mike… “O my gosh!! Metro Mike!!!” as he bows to Metro. Now both the Vaughans know Kaiser as Metro Mike. Poor Mike, always getting the metro nickname. Ty stares at his shirt. It is a BILF shirt that has a seductive Bucky on it.
Ty- “Now I know what a MILF is, but what is a BILF? What does the B stand for……….Boy?” Haha poor mike lol. We all want to go to a bar, but to get in; we have to be children to the Vaughan’s or Uncle Charley. We do a draft and Ty picks Kyle and Mike. “I got the tall boys.” It’s Jesse and me as Uncle Charley’s kids. Frank says to Uncle Chuck, “Don’t worry Uncle Charley what you lack in height you gain in….” Frank’s eyes wonder down towards his crotchel region when uncle Charley blurts out “GIIRTTH!” ooooo uncle Charley. We walk over to the outside bar area where there are cops at the front entrance. Ty asks the cops, “Hey if I have my sons here, can I bring them in?”
Cop -“Yaaaa no problem.” We walk in and the place is thumpin…to 80’s music lol. There are cougars and old fucks everywhere. We manage to swim our way through the crowd straight to the bar where Ty buys about 8 Miller Lites. We crack them and start our post game off the right way. We start slammin and there are so many people that we can’t move. We are half-staff drunk and we are people watching. We see a dude with a bull cut and hair that looks like yarn, he is an Iowa fan and is doing retarded old people dances. Such as…throwing your hand up off beat, like your high fiving the air. We just sit there and laugh at his stupidity hoping that one day we don’t turn out like him. Not 5 minutes later, uncle Charley walks up to us with 4 brew-hahas and we all grab one. Free beer all day, that’s so totes mgoats. An old lady, that could be the same age as my grandma and asks us, “What are those things under your eyes?” We have the Mueller stickers under our eyes and we proceed to only give her one. She wanted another one, greedy little bitch, but we didn’t give her one.
The guy behind us is a younger guy that is a bro looking guy with sunglasses on. (It was complete overcast) We see him trying to talk to cougars and Kaiser thinks that he needs some help, so he lends him one of his finest pick-up lines. “Hey! You tryin to get dat cougar? Say this: Girl…you so fine, I’d drink yo bath water.” He didn’t seem to think it was a good line.
Mary is pretty liquored up and starts taking pictures of all of us while we Saukville Slam and whatnot. It’s about an hour since we’ve gotten to the beer garden and the place is starting to slim down in size. We keep slammin and soon the mood to dance sets in. We’re starting to dance to a bunch of old songs like bon jovi and shit but whatever it was fun. Jesse feels the urge to go cougar hunting. He is finding old ladies and tries hitting on them. I forgot which one is was or how the conversation started, I just remember Jesse telling her that he has “fluffy handcuffs at the dorm”. Jesse sees a bunch of ladies talking in a circle and think that they are his target cougars. He goes by them and starts dancing with them. He is talking to them for 10 minutes or so. He finished off his beer, and decides to crush it with his foot. Only problem is, there was a little bit of beer left in it. Jesse raises up his foot, aggressively slams it on the can, and…boom goes the dynamite. Beer shoots up and sprays one of the cougars right in the eye. The money shot, now only if he could have done that with his man nectar. Nice work Frank. Jesse acts like he feels terrible and tries to give the cougar a bear hug, but she just pushes him away. So much for those cougars.
The later the day gets, the more hip-hop music they play. Old farts are drifting away and soon, there is a big enough spot to have a dance floor. Jesse decides to grab this cougar that had faded red and white overalls on, who by the way, almost broke the buttons on the overalls. Jesse starts grinding with her and whatnot and then gets on all fours and shakes his ass like a porn star. People were pointing and laughing at him, but who cares, they were mostly jealous of his booty-doo. The sun is setting and the nightlife is starting to come out. We chug beers and try to apply the stanky leg to every song we hear. Out of nowhere, we hear, “haha yea! It’s the D-O-double R.” Shut the front door, they are not playing ice cream paint job. “Fuckin A, this is my song.” I feel like a schoolboy bitch, as I jump up and down screaming. “YEAH BUDDY ROLLIN LIKE A BIG SHOT!!” everybody looks at us, now it’s our time to shine. Old people are not sure how to dance to our style of music, so we are in the spotlight now. We jam out to our song, but soon enough, it ended. Back to old people music…ugh. Jesse and me get a tip that they take requests.
We walk up to the bartender, “Hey!! Play Stanky Leg or You’re a Jerk!!”
Bartender-“Stanky huh? You’re a who?”
Me -“STANKY…LEG, or YOU ARE A JERK”
Bartender -“Ok sounds good.”
Not even one song later, we hear “Ahh, Southside is who I be! I got my G-spot boys wit me, ya
dig?” YESSSS that’s what I’m fuckin talking about. We all gather in a circle and stanky leg the shit out of this beer garden. The place smelled after we got done stanky legging…that’s how good we were. People watched in awe as we hit da booty-doo and as we leaned wit it, and dropped wit it, and switched to the other leg and we stopped wit it. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we felt like bosses, or at least I felt like a boss. It was about 7:30 or so and we’ve been at the beer garden for a good 4.5 hours or so. We’re all hungry as a hungry-hungry-hippo. We start heading over to the Nitty Grit guy. It’s Ty and us 4. We start walking and I’m so drunk that I think we are going the wrong direction. Eventually I’m proven wrong and we walk a country mile to get to the gritty. We are over by the SERF when Ty grunts out,
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me it was this far? I could have called a cab.”
Kyle- “Cuz that would cost money dad, I’ve never taken a cab.”
Ty- “Kyle…You’re with your father, I don’t care about a taxi fare.”
Kyle- “This is like walking to class everyday.”
Ty- “At age 53, this is too much.”
We walk into the gritty and it’s a half hour wait. Hostess- “How many in your party?”
Ty- “Eight, no… Twelve, ehhh sixteen…ya we have sixteen.”
We all sit on the bench and the adrenaline goes away, and the pure drunkenness sets in. I sit there and within 5 minutes, I’m like “Holy shit, I’m drunk as a skunk.” I hit the pisser and empty out about 5 beers in urine form. We get our table upstairs and we are seated. We all sit on one end of the table, except for Jesse. He sits on the opposite side of the table. Mary blurts out, “Jesse, get the fuck over here!” whoa. Did she say what I think she said? Yep ladies and gentlemen, Mary “Mare Bear” Vaughan dropped the f-bomb. But it didn’t stop there. It was fuckin this, and fuckin, that, fuckin everything.
“Your Uncle Charley is fuckin awesome.”
Kyle getting pissed off, “YA!! He is FUCKIN awesome, mom.”
Mare Bear “Where is your FUCKIN brother?”
Kyle- “I have no FUCKIN idea mom!”
Ty and Mary were tanked and it was a thrilling experience. I can see where Kyle gets his blackout skills from. Like father like son. Mary starts drunk dialing people. First it’s Brit. She calls her up and starts talking to her.
“What the fuck are you up to? Here talk to Kyle…”
Kyle talks to Brit and then hangs up the phone, “She needed to go so she hung-up.”
“What the fuck did she do that for? I know what, I’m not stupid. Bill is over and she’s gonna get some fucking nookie. Then she’s going to go to sleep, then get some more nookie. But…no nookie for you Kyle, you don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Shut the fuck up mom!”
Kyle calls Aunt Jane over to the table, “Hey can you tell my mom to tone it down on the F-bombs, she’s been dropping them all night?”
Mare Bear is in the spotlight droppin “Fuck” every other sentence. Mike tells Mare Bear that her and Mike’s mom are going out drinking soon. Mike texts his mom, ‘you and mare bear are going out drinking soon.” Mike’s mom, Pam, responds with, ‘that would be great, but I need a nickname.’
Mike-“What should we nickname my mom? She needs a nickname like Mare Bear’s.”
“Uhhh…I don’t know.”
Mike- “Never mind, I got one…Slamala-pamala.” He does precede to text her this. Mike’s mom must know when Mike is drunk, considering he left a drunk voicemail a couple of weeks ago asking her if she fucked a black dude, and if he was 13% black.
Back to the MDP…Mare Bear. Mary tells one of us, (not sure who it was, too many beers) “Ask Jamie if she has any diarrhea on he burger.”
We are like, huh? What the front door are you talking about?
We ask Jamie, “hey…uhh is there any diarrhea on that burger?” She wasn’t very happy with us but we didn’t know why. Apparently on the way to Madison, they had to stop on the way at a BP gas station because she shit her britches. Mary really knows how to cut the core of her. (Anchorman line drop, whoo whoo). We are all eating our food and I am so hungry, I eat absolutely everything on my plate…plus mikes buffalo chicken…plus Part of Jesse’s burger. I was completely done with my burger, and I look over at Jesse. He is on the verge of passing out, he has one bite out of his burger, and is eating his fries at a pace of 1 fry/ min. Slowest eating ever, with his eyes barely cracked open. Looks like his booty-doo really wore him out…or it was the 12 beers we had…or the cumulative of 8 hours of sleep in the past two days. We are all finishing up and Kyle tells us that Jim and Tyler are coming to hang out with us at the grit guy. We keep eating and talking to Mare Bear, and Jesse has found a new hobby. He decides to unscrew the salt cap and dump it on the empty plate of nachos. O boy, Jesse quit acting like a bleen pad. What’s he doing now?? Well he is digging his hands in the salt and sifting it through his fingers. He does this basically for 10 or 20 minutes. Jim and Tyler walk up and greet the Vaughans and company, and sit down by us. They are thirsty for some Miller Lite (capitalized that shit…just for you Kyle) so Kyle asks the waiter for 6 Millers.
Mary blurts out to Tyler, “Your mom is so fuckin foxy.” We all chime in. “Ya woo, JILL BABY!” Mary- “Especially at Pilates, she’s so foxy.” Tyler isn’t too happy with us, and Mare Bear would like to drunk dial Mrs. Federspill as well. She ends up talking to Jill for about 10 minutes or so, probably dropping F-bombs like it’s her job.
We get the Lites and Jim and Tyler start pounding. I take one look at the beer and realize if I take one sip… all the beer from the union, the beer from the beer garden, and the food and beer from the Nitty Gritty will indeed come blowing out of my mouth. I decide to hand it to Jim, best decision of my life. We all are ready to leave. Kyle wants to go because Jesse is acting like a poop-brain. We all stand up and I look over at Jesse, and his hand is completely covered in salt. We say thank you and walk out the door and walk back to Ogg.
Jesse asks, “Why did we have to leave?”
Kyle- “Cuz Frank! You were acting like a retard. Digging your hands into the salt??”
Jesse responds, “But Mary thought it was funny, so I kept doing it.”
We get back to Ogg and we all just chill. Kyle lays on the futon and Mike lies on the ground, using my overalls as a pillow. Within 5 minutes they are dead passed out. Waller calls me up and says that him and Luke are coming over. I tell him to pound on the door hard because I might pass the fuck out. Coincidence?? I think not. I passed the fuck out on Jesse’s bed. I wake up to my phone ringing and the loud knocks on the door. O shit. I let them in, and I talk to them for a while. I’m not sure about what, I was buzzin off of sleep deprivation. They leave and I am conscious enough to realize that I’m probably going to spend the night there if I didn’t go home now. I grab my overalls, strap up and head back to Smith. I look at the clock, its only 11:45. I really don’t give a shit; there is no way I could out again. I get ready for bed and strip down to my boxers and climb into bed. The feel of soft sheets and a fluffy pillow makes me almost cream my pants. I look out my window at all the drunken freshmen and think to myself, “They might have had fun tonight, but it was no cougar hunting.”